I have been watching Portia de Rossi speak about her journey with her weight, health, self-image and her sexuality. Listening to her read portions of her book make my heart break. I look at this incredibly beautiful, smart successful woman who says the same thing inside of her head that I say in mine! Her battle with herself is absolutely no different that mine!
She tells a story about how she was trying on suits to be the new Loreal face and when she realized she was a size 8, she was devastated. This last year I know that I have gained back some weight that I worked so hard to lose and I hate myself for it. I saw a picture of myself from this weekend with my beautiful little girl and I sat for 30 mins last night comparing it to a picture taken of she and I last Christmas and I could tell there was a difference in my face. What am I doing???
I have two friends in particular who have gone through life shattering situations, things that could absolutely break a person. But these two women haven't! And I know they have both had moments that were deep and dark when they didn't think they would see the end of this struggle, but they did! I sit in awe of these two women and wonder where that strength came from and how can I tap into that?
Tears are running down my face faster than I can stop them. Hopefully I won't electrocute myself from shorting out my laptop! I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE! I have plans! I have things I desperately want to do, but I know I can't like this, which just brings on more fear and more tears. I am absolutely paralyzed by this fear right now.
I am not saying I have not had to struggle and fight for things, but I think this part is so much harder than everything else I have ever done.
I look at Portia in awe, she made it through. My dear friends have made it through and I thank God everyday that they are where they are in their lives. But why can't I get there? Why? I feel like a failure to myself, my family, my friends, to the point of this blog. I honestly don't know what I thought I was doing when I set out to do this... I thought maybe I could help someone. I thought maybe I could force myself out of this.
So where do I go from here.....?
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Ready to make nice?
I am strong believer that God brings things to your heart or mind when you are ready to receive them. Some people may look at that as Him nudging you in that direction, for me it usually takes a 2x4 over the head! I have some situations with two people I had been friends with in the past and I/we ended our friendship abruptly for one reason or another. But in the past few days the way these relationships ended is really weighing on my heart and as much as I have tried to brush it aside, things keep coming up that remind me of these people.
Maybe the reason it is weighing so heavy is because I have come to realize my part in the friendship ending. I am very much aware that in a disagreement such as these were, that it takes two to tango and that I can only own my part of what happened. But I am having the most difficult time trying to swallow my pride in order to contact these people and sort out what happened and sincerely apologize for my part in hurting the other person.
The other issue is this, what if I reach out and apologize for my part and then my olive branch is unreceived? What do I do with that? I continue to think and pray about this, because I feel it is something I need to attend to, but I am honestly scared of what the reaction would be.
Peace
~Melinda
Maybe the reason it is weighing so heavy is because I have come to realize my part in the friendship ending. I am very much aware that in a disagreement such as these were, that it takes two to tango and that I can only own my part of what happened. But I am having the most difficult time trying to swallow my pride in order to contact these people and sort out what happened and sincerely apologize for my part in hurting the other person.
The other issue is this, what if I reach out and apologize for my part and then my olive branch is unreceived? What do I do with that? I continue to think and pray about this, because I feel it is something I need to attend to, but I am honestly scared of what the reaction would be.
Peace
~Melinda
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
How do you get over the "supposed to be's"?
I struggle a lot with how things are "supposed to be", I think all of us do. And maybe some people handle it better than others, I am a major type A personality so "It's not fair" has been ingrained into my psyche forever. I think people who know me well know that I have a bleeding heart for just about everyone in need and not much compassion for those in power to help those in need who turn a blind eye or for those who feel they have a right to sit in judgement of others. But it is a constant inner struggle and argument with God about how things are "supposed to be" and why they aren't.
I have yet to learn what I know many people whose faith astounds me have learned, that God will and does take care of things in his time. I somehow feel He needs my help to speed things along, yeah I am sure the creator of the universe needs MY help!
I can only speak for my reality and what I know on a daily basis, but lately I have been having such an incredibly hard time with the journey I am choosing to be on (and quite often falling off that path) and where everyone else is in life. I live quite near the area I grew up in and actually not far from the high school I went to, in fact if we don't move from this neighborhood my children will go to the same high school I went to (not thrilled with that...). But some good friends and I affectionately and not so affectionately refer to this area as "the bubble", because it feels to us that many (although not all!) people who have chosen to live here act like they live in this special world where nothing bad can penetrate and that we can all put blinders on to the reality of the rest of the world.
Which brings me back to my struggle of how things are "supposed to be". I was thinking about how our house needs some work done on it and how it will not get done right now due to money and that frustrates me because I would hate for people in our neighborhood or visitors to judge the outside of my house or even some aspects of the inside as not being perfect enough. Our house is supposed to be painted, we are supposed to have a new front door, we are supposed to have two cars instead of one, I am supposed to have a perfectly manicured yard and beautiful swing set for my children to play on, I am supposed to be working out an hour everyday and eating only carrots and water for meals so I look like the perfect model of a bubble mother/wife.
It's the comparing that I get into that I really should stop most of all. It is SO damaging to my soul and spirit. I am just living this life that God gave me with this family in the house at this time in my life. I need to stop and remember that the only thing I am supposed to be doing is loving Him, my neighbor and helping my fellow womankind on this earth. I think if we all took a glimpse inside someone else's world for a bit during a not-so-good time we'd not only give the other person a break, but also give ourselves that much needed break as well.
I pray that you would be as kind to yourself and a stranger today that might be struggling as you would to your dearest friend who needed some help and love today.
Peace Always
~Melinda
I have yet to learn what I know many people whose faith astounds me have learned, that God will and does take care of things in his time. I somehow feel He needs my help to speed things along, yeah I am sure the creator of the universe needs MY help!
I can only speak for my reality and what I know on a daily basis, but lately I have been having such an incredibly hard time with the journey I am choosing to be on (and quite often falling off that path) and where everyone else is in life. I live quite near the area I grew up in and actually not far from the high school I went to, in fact if we don't move from this neighborhood my children will go to the same high school I went to (not thrilled with that...). But some good friends and I affectionately and not so affectionately refer to this area as "the bubble", because it feels to us that many (although not all!) people who have chosen to live here act like they live in this special world where nothing bad can penetrate and that we can all put blinders on to the reality of the rest of the world.
Which brings me back to my struggle of how things are "supposed to be". I was thinking about how our house needs some work done on it and how it will not get done right now due to money and that frustrates me because I would hate for people in our neighborhood or visitors to judge the outside of my house or even some aspects of the inside as not being perfect enough. Our house is supposed to be painted, we are supposed to have a new front door, we are supposed to have two cars instead of one, I am supposed to have a perfectly manicured yard and beautiful swing set for my children to play on, I am supposed to be working out an hour everyday and eating only carrots and water for meals so I look like the perfect model of a bubble mother/wife.
It's the comparing that I get into that I really should stop most of all. It is SO damaging to my soul and spirit. I am just living this life that God gave me with this family in the house at this time in my life. I need to stop and remember that the only thing I am supposed to be doing is loving Him, my neighbor and helping my fellow womankind on this earth. I think if we all took a glimpse inside someone else's world for a bit during a not-so-good time we'd not only give the other person a break, but also give ourselves that much needed break as well.
I pray that you would be as kind to yourself and a stranger today that might be struggling as you would to your dearest friend who needed some help and love today.
Peace Always
~Melinda
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Heart breaks..
Part of being healthy is being a healthy Mom. But being a parent has been the hardest and most wonderful thing I have ever done. Right now, I am watching a talk show about bullying, it's mainly about the 4 teenagers who have committed suicide recently for being bullied and teased for being gay. This has been a subject that hits home right now. My 9 year old son was bullied a few weeks ago, not because of a sexual orientation issue, but because of an misunderstanding on the playground. My son was followed into a bathroom, trapped and punched by another 3rd grader! Fortunately, he told his teacher immediately and the offender was dealt with extremely harshly and I am grateful for that.
The hardest thing as a Mom is to know that you can only protect your child so far. And that is terrifying. My son was diagnosed with Autism at 3 and he has been in therapies since 2, I have so much time and love and heartache invested in this person that I cannot fathom anyone not wanting to love him instantly. I doubt I feel any different about my children than anyone else does about their children.
We have had so many conversations recently about keeping himself safe, etc. I have never wanted to be a helicopter parent, but what else is there? How else can I protect my child when he is away from me for 7 hours a day?
I could not imagine how much pain the parents and family members of the children who have ended their lives must be in. They are in my heart and in my prayers. Let's teach and model kindness and compassion, not hate and fear. Let's model love and acceptance towards others as parents, your kids are watching....very closely.
Peace to all of us...
~Melinda
The hardest thing as a Mom is to know that you can only protect your child so far. And that is terrifying. My son was diagnosed with Autism at 3 and he has been in therapies since 2, I have so much time and love and heartache invested in this person that I cannot fathom anyone not wanting to love him instantly. I doubt I feel any different about my children than anyone else does about their children.
We have had so many conversations recently about keeping himself safe, etc. I have never wanted to be a helicopter parent, but what else is there? How else can I protect my child when he is away from me for 7 hours a day?
I could not imagine how much pain the parents and family members of the children who have ended their lives must be in. They are in my heart and in my prayers. Let's teach and model kindness and compassion, not hate and fear. Let's model love and acceptance towards others as parents, your kids are watching....very closely.
Peace to all of us...
~Melinda
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Falling and failing...
ARRRGGGGHHHH!!! I am so frustrated with myself! I wanted to be so faithful to this blog and my followers and to this process, but I feel I am completely failing at all of it! I was talking to a good friend of mine this morning, we both have the same mindset about commitment and the precious time we have. I commented to her that lately I had been hanging back before committing to something, because it seems I have been saying 'yes' to something and then not following through and I can't stand that!!!! It is a very annoying quality in others and I really don't like doing that in my life. So when I commit, I COM-MIT! which is why my lack of blogging and caring for myself has once again slid right to the back.
And when I say back, I don't mean back burner, I mean literally to my back! I generally carry my stress in my shoulders and my neck and it seems to have crept back in and landed me in urgent care with my neck and arms in some sort of pretzel looking stance. So back to PT I head and back to feeling sorry for myself, which leads to my non-committal self.....
I have to make some steps forward, for myself and for my family. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my husband's heart attack and it just stunned me that it feels like in five years we haven't made any changes to our lives! And that scares the sh!t out of me! My husband almost DIED and yet what have I done to change anything? My best friend's husband DIED because of a weight-related issue and what have I done? I am tired of falling and tired of failing. So for today, I may crawl in a corner and ponder what to do next.... But tomorrow I need to make the commitment to change a sincere commitment. Tomorrow I will be hoping and changing.
Peace~
Melinda
And when I say back, I don't mean back burner, I mean literally to my back! I generally carry my stress in my shoulders and my neck and it seems to have crept back in and landed me in urgent care with my neck and arms in some sort of pretzel looking stance. So back to PT I head and back to feeling sorry for myself, which leads to my non-committal self.....
I have to make some steps forward, for myself and for my family. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my husband's heart attack and it just stunned me that it feels like in five years we haven't made any changes to our lives! And that scares the sh!t out of me! My husband almost DIED and yet what have I done to change anything? My best friend's husband DIED because of a weight-related issue and what have I done? I am tired of falling and tired of failing. So for today, I may crawl in a corner and ponder what to do next.... But tomorrow I need to make the commitment to change a sincere commitment. Tomorrow I will be hoping and changing.
Peace~
Melinda
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
A Little Piece of my Heart...
I was watching the news yesterday and they were talking about how hackers and thieves can pinpoint your location through your social network statuses and they use that to rob you- all through your phone! And then I was thinking about a person I am "friends" with on a social network site, I feels this person seriously "over shares", but then again, maybe I do too? After all, here I am on a blog on the internet for the whole world and their mother to see what I thinking!
So the question I have been pondering is, how much of yourself do you want to give away? Does it happen when you blog or update your status? Does it happen every time you give of yourself? How does one keep all of that in balance these days? Furthermore, if you happen to be an extrovert, how do you limit yourself from over sharing or over giving in your life? What are your thoughts?
So the question I have been pondering is, how much of yourself do you want to give away? Does it happen when you blog or update your status? Does it happen every time you give of yourself? How does one keep all of that in balance these days? Furthermore, if you happen to be an extrovert, how do you limit yourself from over sharing or over giving in your life? What are your thoughts?
Monday, September 13, 2010
How is your OS?
I have just finished up the second class in my adventure to a new career. And even though I already have a BA, I am taking classes to get an Associates Degree in Paralegal Studies. So the way I figure it, I will have a college degree and a half! :)
The class was Computer and Internet Literacy, so I have been thinking about how we, well how I, push my computers and expect them always to perform at their best everytime I turn them on, no matter what tasks I require of it. I also expect my body to perform at the same level no matter what is happening. But recently I have felt my body or my operating system (OS) has been pushed to the max! How far can a human body go under tremendous amounts of stress before it breaks?
This past two weeks, I have felt as though my body has been pushed to it's limit. There were a few extra-ordinary events that happened, but most of it is just life! How does one get through these events without completely cracking up?
I will admit that I have done a major backslide these last few weeks and am having a very hard time prioritizing what I know needs to be done. I have a good friend who wants to go and workout together, yet I haven't gotten back to her yet, because I feel like I haven't come up for air yet. My eating habits have gotten quite poor, I haven't been eating breakfast and have had way to much caffeine and sugar. Mostly the caffeine makes up for the exhaustion I have been feeling because my mind is so preoccupied that I am not sleeping very well. And the last straw? I re-injured my back this weekend, so I am in pain- which means it's back to PT!
When does it end? When will I get a break? When can my family just get away, relax and have some fun? I am not expecting any particular answer, because I am not sure there is one. What do you think?
Peace~
Melinda
The class was Computer and Internet Literacy, so I have been thinking about how we, well how I, push my computers and expect them always to perform at their best everytime I turn them on, no matter what tasks I require of it. I also expect my body to perform at the same level no matter what is happening. But recently I have felt my body or my operating system (OS) has been pushed to the max! How far can a human body go under tremendous amounts of stress before it breaks?
This past two weeks, I have felt as though my body has been pushed to it's limit. There were a few extra-ordinary events that happened, but most of it is just life! How does one get through these events without completely cracking up?
I will admit that I have done a major backslide these last few weeks and am having a very hard time prioritizing what I know needs to be done. I have a good friend who wants to go and workout together, yet I haven't gotten back to her yet, because I feel like I haven't come up for air yet. My eating habits have gotten quite poor, I haven't been eating breakfast and have had way to much caffeine and sugar. Mostly the caffeine makes up for the exhaustion I have been feeling because my mind is so preoccupied that I am not sleeping very well. And the last straw? I re-injured my back this weekend, so I am in pain- which means it's back to PT!
When does it end? When will I get a break? When can my family just get away, relax and have some fun? I am not expecting any particular answer, because I am not sure there is one. What do you think?
Peace~
Melinda
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Shutting Down
Wow, that was a bit of an absence, wasn't it? I am currently recouping from what seems like the bubonic plague that took over our house for the last week. But I think I am on the mend and will survive.
It isn't amazing how many ideas present themselves when you begin a project? I have created a file with blog ideas and it seems I also never run out of opinions either…. But that coupled with all the activities I am involved in not to mention work and now school, it seems my brain just will not shut off! Thank God for the plague descending on Castle Howard this weekend, otherwise I probably wouldn't have even tried to relax.
I haven't seen the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" yet, but I have seen the scene where Julia Roberts' character tries to meditate. She talks nonstop to herself and is bothered by a bug and realizes after a few minutes how difficult shutting her mind off is. I will admit that I like being busy, I like being involved- I really do think that it has kept me sane (as strange as that sounds). I feel that even more these days when there is a constant bombardment of information. And I have been teased that my blackberry has been surgically attached to my brain. Even when I am not being distracted by all of these outer pieces, why it is SO hard for me just to do nothing? I don't think the 30 seconds after I turn the light out and before I fall asleep at night counts. Can anyone relate?
I would love to say I am a calm person and can separate myself from my activities or family and just relax, but it seems I have a hard time doing any part of that. But I really would like to know why? Is it because I really am that busy? Possibly. Bad at time management? No, I don't think so. Or is there some deeper reason I am avoiding? I honestly do not know. But I would like to find that spot where calm and peace lies, at least for a few minutes each day.
Here's hoping you have found your spot of peace today!
Peace~
Melinda
Sunday, August 29, 2010
In the middle of a miracle.
I have so many amazing, miraculous moments in my life. Have you ever stopped in the midst of something and thought- wow I am sitting, right now, in the middle of a miracle? In the middle of a prayer answered? Lately I have really stopped myself and forced myself to look at the miracles in my life.
People use the word miracle is way that make it seem huge and grandiose. Something like bringing the dead to life, making the lame, walk, the mute speak. I wonder if that is the only way they can see God? I would think that is very tragic. Because honestly, I see him everywhere. I am living out answered prayer- everyday. My marriage is an answer to prayer. No, I didn't mean the young man, who was hugely financially successful and could keep me living in the lap of luxury everyday. But what I do have is even better, I have a man who loves me deeply to his core. A man who describes love not as a feeling, but as a will. He always tells me he has the will to love me. I think that is poetic and beautiful, because feelings are fleeting, but having the love for someone ingrained in your being is miraculous and not always easy to find. He loves me on my most unlovable days.
Everyone feels their children are blessings and mine certainly are, but these living, breathing, laughing, messy creatures are walking miracles. Both in their own unique way. My oldest has Autism and while that is a crushing diagnosis, he has never let it define him or beat him. That says a lot about this beautiful boy, who is only eight. He was born 11 months to the day after we were married and it feels like he has been a constant part of my life, like I have known him my whole life. And my daughter, who was born 7 years after her brother is a miracle in it's pure form. I was told not to have any more children, that I couldn't have any more children, etc. Well, if you know me, then you know once I have decided on something it WILL happen. And in the summer of 2007 I decided I WOULD have a daughter, not just another baby. A daughter. A year later, she was born. This beautiful, little blonde monkey who loves to be tickled and hasn't yet given up her binkie challenges me everyday. She has an amazing spirit that, even at two, fills a room and I cannot wait to see where that will take her.
But I do need to steer this back to me and the presence of God in my life every minute of everyday. There are some things that have happened to me in the last 12-13 years of my life that have been so painful I thought I would never survive and when I did, I thought my existence would be just merely surviving. For a long time, that is all it was. When my daughter was born two years ago, it was if when her life began, God breathed new life into me. The Melinda that most of the people from my past know, is now the Melinda that everyone in my life now knows. I found myself again, God pulled me out and dusted me off and said- now go forward and thrive. And I have. I know very well that life is about the journey not the destination. I believe the journey itself is a miracle. In my journey I am in the middle of a miracle. So many blessings, so many answers to prayer.
Thank you, thank you God for placing me in the middle of another miracle.
Peace-
Melinda
People use the word miracle is way that make it seem huge and grandiose. Something like bringing the dead to life, making the lame, walk, the mute speak. I wonder if that is the only way they can see God? I would think that is very tragic. Because honestly, I see him everywhere. I am living out answered prayer- everyday. My marriage is an answer to prayer. No, I didn't mean the young man, who was hugely financially successful and could keep me living in the lap of luxury everyday. But what I do have is even better, I have a man who loves me deeply to his core. A man who describes love not as a feeling, but as a will. He always tells me he has the will to love me. I think that is poetic and beautiful, because feelings are fleeting, but having the love for someone ingrained in your being is miraculous and not always easy to find. He loves me on my most unlovable days.
Everyone feels their children are blessings and mine certainly are, but these living, breathing, laughing, messy creatures are walking miracles. Both in their own unique way. My oldest has Autism and while that is a crushing diagnosis, he has never let it define him or beat him. That says a lot about this beautiful boy, who is only eight. He was born 11 months to the day after we were married and it feels like he has been a constant part of my life, like I have known him my whole life. And my daughter, who was born 7 years after her brother is a miracle in it's pure form. I was told not to have any more children, that I couldn't have any more children, etc. Well, if you know me, then you know once I have decided on something it WILL happen. And in the summer of 2007 I decided I WOULD have a daughter, not just another baby. A daughter. A year later, she was born. This beautiful, little blonde monkey who loves to be tickled and hasn't yet given up her binkie challenges me everyday. She has an amazing spirit that, even at two, fills a room and I cannot wait to see where that will take her.
But I do need to steer this back to me and the presence of God in my life every minute of everyday. There are some things that have happened to me in the last 12-13 years of my life that have been so painful I thought I would never survive and when I did, I thought my existence would be just merely surviving. For a long time, that is all it was. When my daughter was born two years ago, it was if when her life began, God breathed new life into me. The Melinda that most of the people from my past know, is now the Melinda that everyone in my life now knows. I found myself again, God pulled me out and dusted me off and said- now go forward and thrive. And I have. I know very well that life is about the journey not the destination. I believe the journey itself is a miracle. In my journey I am in the middle of a miracle. So many blessings, so many answers to prayer.
Thank you, thank you God for placing me in the middle of another miracle.
Peace-
Melinda
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Self Love
I had to share this poem written by Rev. Sheila A.Johnson. She is the Mother of a high school friend, who is blogging her journey through divorce. Rev. Johnson has encapsulated everything I feel about self-image and how I am learning to love what God has given me! I hope her writing will speak to your heart, the way it has spoken to mine.
Thank you Michelle for allowing to share such beautiful writing!
http://www.michellefox.com/2010/08/self-love/
Peace-
Melinda
Thank you Michelle for allowing to share such beautiful writing!
http://www.michellefox.com/2010/08/self-love/
Peace-
Melinda
Monday, August 23, 2010
For the love of a body...
You’ll have to pardon my absence from writing as of late. I have been overwhelmed with so many of the things in life that can pull at the fibers of your sanity and soul. And I hate to dump all of that into my writing. I want to be able to find peace in my writing and seek out answers through the process. Not just bitch and moan about my overflowing to-do list. But after last week a dear friend, one whom I admire greatly, always have, told me that perhaps I needed some “blog therapy”. She was probably right. It does help me move away from the daily stressors of my life and delve into the meat of what I am seeking.
On that note, I have been having many discussions with good friends, my husband and myself about how we perceive our bodies. I am concerned that we start at a young age with our self-loathing. I remember when I was 12 my best friend and I decided we needed to go to Weight Watchers! We were TWELVE! Part of the reason we decided to go is that we were receiving some messages from our Mothers about our weight. I know that our Mothers each loved us deeply and only wanted the best for our health. But we were both very tall girls, and were built more like our fathers. My own Mother is 5’5” and weighed about 110 lbs when she married my Dad at 22. I, on the other hand was 5’5” by the time I was 13 and was already wearing a bra with a cup size bigger than my Mother. So in her own way, she thought I was overweight, but truly I was not.
So for me the self-loathing began in middle school and when I look back at the pictures of that young girl I ache for how much she hated the way she looked. I have a friend who used to teach middle school and has told me many stories about the girls she taught not wanting to each lunch in front of the boys. How incredibly tragic.
When I think about my body and even though it is not in the shape or size I would like, I need to be so very, very grateful for all that it has done and does everyday. First of all I look at the birth of my sweet daughter and how absolutely gorgeous she was and still is. And I remember my Mom holding her and telling me that she was almost as beautiful as I was. I was a child that was adored by my parents and grandparents. I was a healthy child, adolescent and mostly adult. I will admit that I feel my body has betrayed me at times, which frustrates me, but is part of life.
I have developed a thank you note for my body and all that it has given me. A brain that helped me learn and go to college, a drive and ambition to graduate In 3 ½ years. Beautiful hair, eyes and a big smile that got the attention of my husband. A reproductive system that helped conceive two children, a uterus that nourished and kept my babies safe for 9 months. An immune system that healed my body from two c-sections. Two arms that held and loved my babies, lips to give them many kisses, legs to walk and sway to rock those babies to sleep. Hands to brush their little teeth and hair and a voice to sing to them, laugh with them and tell them every day how much I love them. And now a drive and desire to return to school and pursue a dream. And the creativity and the ability to put my thoughts into words.
So thank you body. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Peace-
Melinda
On that note, I have been having many discussions with good friends, my husband and myself about how we perceive our bodies. I am concerned that we start at a young age with our self-loathing. I remember when I was 12 my best friend and I decided we needed to go to Weight Watchers! We were TWELVE! Part of the reason we decided to go is that we were receiving some messages from our Mothers about our weight. I know that our Mothers each loved us deeply and only wanted the best for our health. But we were both very tall girls, and were built more like our fathers. My own Mother is 5’5” and weighed about 110 lbs when she married my Dad at 22. I, on the other hand was 5’5” by the time I was 13 and was already wearing a bra with a cup size bigger than my Mother. So in her own way, she thought I was overweight, but truly I was not.
So for me the self-loathing began in middle school and when I look back at the pictures of that young girl I ache for how much she hated the way she looked. I have a friend who used to teach middle school and has told me many stories about the girls she taught not wanting to each lunch in front of the boys. How incredibly tragic.
When I think about my body and even though it is not in the shape or size I would like, I need to be so very, very grateful for all that it has done and does everyday. First of all I look at the birth of my sweet daughter and how absolutely gorgeous she was and still is. And I remember my Mom holding her and telling me that she was almost as beautiful as I was. I was a child that was adored by my parents and grandparents. I was a healthy child, adolescent and mostly adult. I will admit that I feel my body has betrayed me at times, which frustrates me, but is part of life.
I have developed a thank you note for my body and all that it has given me. A brain that helped me learn and go to college, a drive and ambition to graduate In 3 ½ years. Beautiful hair, eyes and a big smile that got the attention of my husband. A reproductive system that helped conceive two children, a uterus that nourished and kept my babies safe for 9 months. An immune system that healed my body from two c-sections. Two arms that held and loved my babies, lips to give them many kisses, legs to walk and sway to rock those babies to sleep. Hands to brush their little teeth and hair and a voice to sing to them, laugh with them and tell them every day how much I love them. And now a drive and desire to return to school and pursue a dream. And the creativity and the ability to put my thoughts into words.
So thank you body. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Peace-
Melinda
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Again, why?
I have always been a writer, which would be why I had planned on becoming a journalist in my younger days. I had passed on that career, when I turned down an interview with NPR when I was only 22. Partly because I thought I would be compromising my own set of ethics by being part of the "media". The year I had graduated from college was the same year as the OJ Simpson trial and the Oklahoma City bombing. It was very devastating to me to watch the media distort so many things about OJ's trial- did we really need to hear a critique of the lead prosecutor's hair? Why did that matter to the public? And to watch OJ parade around and become even more of a celebrity, while the media just lapped it up, was even more stomach turning. So it was hard for me to turn away from writing. I personally feel God had his hand in creating blogs so that those of who have that inner novelist can get it out in a somewhat public forum.
Anyway- long way to go about saying that I am loving being able to write a blog. Writing has always been an emotional outlet and also I have this section of my brain that I stack ideas in and if I don't get them out, they will get lost in the muddle of my life. So I find inspiration and ideas absolutely everywhere, I am that person who gets up in the middle of the night and writes ideas down on a kleenex box or on my backberry at a stoplight. At home my laptop is not far from me, because I never know what will spark an idea.
Like this morning, I just got up and turned the tv on to see a morning show interviewing Barbra Streisand. I LOVE her! She is an amazing woman and doesn't compromise or apologize for herself, she is authentic and I love and appreciate authentic people. One question that was asked by the reporter was why she felt the need to be such a perfectionist. Babs asked her (I am paraphrasing)- "why do you ask that in such a judgemental way? A man would never be asked that, but when women strive for the best, for perfection in their work or life, they are considered a pain in the ass!" THANK YOU!
I often feel like I have to apologize for myself, apologize for giving something my all. And it's not just me! Last weekend I was sitting and waiting for my hair stylist to finish up with the woman before me. She works in one of those buildings that has a small salon rooms rented by people offering different types of hair/spa services. Anyway, as I was sitting there a woman walked past me and I noticed that she was wearing a black pool cover up, that was belted at her waist, her hair was pulled back by a headband and she was tan and I thought looked very pretty. She found the room she was looking for and began talking to her stylist, who told her that she would still be about 10 mins and the woman said she would run down to her car to grab something. As she turned to walk out, she remarked to her stylist "I am so sorry about the way I look, we just came from the pool" and her stylist (who also looked quite pretty) said "oh don't worry about it, you look fine! I look awful- it's hot in here and I have been so busy today!" Here are two women who look absolutely perfect in whatever state they are currently in- so why on earth are they apologizing?
How often do you find yourself saying the exact same thing? I know I do! I have been so busy lately beginning school, getting my son (who has autism) ready for 3rd grade, working, and attending to my own classes that I am often seen in a baseball hat or with zero makeup. Even despite my reason- why should I apologize for doing what I need to do to exist in this world? Baseball hat or no makeup- does that make me any less valuable? It may not be the way I would prefer to look, but it does not negate who I am?
And it's not just the way we look either. I hear women apologize for everything! Which brings me back to my original point and the fact that I apologize for giving things that I feel passionate about my all. I am very organized and my life works better when I have things prepared ahead of time. My husband always tells me that my expectations are too high for other people. Maybe they are, maybe the standards I have for myself aren't what others have for themselves. That is fine, but I am not going to apologize for the standards I have set for myself. I have really come into these standards recently, I will admit that I tried for years to to be seen as laid back and relaxed and in some areas I am, but once I embraced the way I work the best, life got a whole lot less complicated!
I am me. That is all I have been given and I need, WE need to stop apologizing and just be authentic and honest.
Have a beautiful Sunday!
Peace~
Melinda
Anyway- long way to go about saying that I am loving being able to write a blog. Writing has always been an emotional outlet and also I have this section of my brain that I stack ideas in and if I don't get them out, they will get lost in the muddle of my life. So I find inspiration and ideas absolutely everywhere, I am that person who gets up in the middle of the night and writes ideas down on a kleenex box or on my backberry at a stoplight. At home my laptop is not far from me, because I never know what will spark an idea.
Like this morning, I just got up and turned the tv on to see a morning show interviewing Barbra Streisand. I LOVE her! She is an amazing woman and doesn't compromise or apologize for herself, she is authentic and I love and appreciate authentic people. One question that was asked by the reporter was why she felt the need to be such a perfectionist. Babs asked her (I am paraphrasing)- "why do you ask that in such a judgemental way? A man would never be asked that, but when women strive for the best, for perfection in their work or life, they are considered a pain in the ass!" THANK YOU!
I often feel like I have to apologize for myself, apologize for giving something my all. And it's not just me! Last weekend I was sitting and waiting for my hair stylist to finish up with the woman before me. She works in one of those buildings that has a small salon rooms rented by people offering different types of hair/spa services. Anyway, as I was sitting there a woman walked past me and I noticed that she was wearing a black pool cover up, that was belted at her waist, her hair was pulled back by a headband and she was tan and I thought looked very pretty. She found the room she was looking for and began talking to her stylist, who told her that she would still be about 10 mins and the woman said she would run down to her car to grab something. As she turned to walk out, she remarked to her stylist "I am so sorry about the way I look, we just came from the pool" and her stylist (who also looked quite pretty) said "oh don't worry about it, you look fine! I look awful- it's hot in here and I have been so busy today!" Here are two women who look absolutely perfect in whatever state they are currently in- so why on earth are they apologizing?
How often do you find yourself saying the exact same thing? I know I do! I have been so busy lately beginning school, getting my son (who has autism) ready for 3rd grade, working, and attending to my own classes that I am often seen in a baseball hat or with zero makeup. Even despite my reason- why should I apologize for doing what I need to do to exist in this world? Baseball hat or no makeup- does that make me any less valuable? It may not be the way I would prefer to look, but it does not negate who I am?
And it's not just the way we look either. I hear women apologize for everything! Which brings me back to my original point and the fact that I apologize for giving things that I feel passionate about my all. I am very organized and my life works better when I have things prepared ahead of time. My husband always tells me that my expectations are too high for other people. Maybe they are, maybe the standards I have for myself aren't what others have for themselves. That is fine, but I am not going to apologize for the standards I have set for myself. I have really come into these standards recently, I will admit that I tried for years to to be seen as laid back and relaxed and in some areas I am, but once I embraced the way I work the best, life got a whole lot less complicated!
I am me. That is all I have been given and I need, WE need to stop apologizing and just be authentic and honest.
Have a beautiful Sunday!
Peace~
Melinda
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
What do you do?
I have had a terrible day. Absolutely terrible. I won't sugarcoat it for you, having computer issues, people issues, and skin issues. I feel like climbing into bed and staying there until Thursday waves her white flag! It's days like these that I struggle the most with everything! Right now it's 3:45pm and all I have eaten today is a piece of pumpkin bread and some green tea. And absolutely no desire to eat anything more, my body hurts, my mind hurts and my emotions are raw.
I debated writing this post, but to be true to myself and what has become a wonderful following, I felt I needed to write even on the bad days.
So what do you do on one of these days? Really, I want to know. Some people run for the comfort food, some run for the alcohol, and some just run. I think by choosing not to eat I am punishing myself. But this is the hardest part- choosing me over the situation. Realizing that I am more important than what is going on. What does me not eating or taking time for myself or simply walking away from the problem, do? Doesn't solve the problem any faster, I can tell ya that! All it does is hurt my own body and you know what? I deserve a lot more than that.
Sometimes I think we don't allow ourselves to be good to good to our own bodies and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Wishing you and me some peace today....
Melinda
I debated writing this post, but to be true to myself and what has become a wonderful following, I felt I needed to write even on the bad days.
So what do you do on one of these days? Really, I want to know. Some people run for the comfort food, some run for the alcohol, and some just run. I think by choosing not to eat I am punishing myself. But this is the hardest part- choosing me over the situation. Realizing that I am more important than what is going on. What does me not eating or taking time for myself or simply walking away from the problem, do? Doesn't solve the problem any faster, I can tell ya that! All it does is hurt my own body and you know what? I deserve a lot more than that.
Sometimes I think we don't allow ourselves to be good to good to our own bodies and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Wishing you and me some peace today....
Melinda
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Another year...
Wednesday my miracle baby, Regan Jamie Marie, turned two! She was born just 4 days before I turned 35 and now I share my birthday with my sweet and sassy Princess Punky! I have always been a person who has loved, loved LOVED birthdays- especially mine. My Mom used to tease me because she said I would start planning my birthday right after Christmas- she was probably right.
It wasn't until recently that I began to dread having birthdays- probably due to the fact that I nearing the big 4-0. But the last few days I have been really thinking about what a dramatic shift my life has made in the last two years. It's been huge! I went from being quite a homebody with few friends to having a wonderful and full life with friends, family and activities that capture my attention. And as busy, hectic and tiring my days are- I feel so incredibly blessed! So today is my birthday and rather than dreading growing another year older- I am celebrating my life! Because it is blessed all the way to it's core.
A few nights ago my family was over for the birthday celebrations and my Mom and I were talking about some experiences that I had in life, experiences that she didn't understand at all. I have always been one who pushes buttons, boundaries, limits, etc. That is something my rule following Mother has never understood. In the midst of the discussion she asked me if I had to do it over would I have not done some of the things that (to her) were out of control. And I immediately said no- why would I? All of my experiences, wonderful and tragic have shaped the Melinda I am today. And why should I ever make excuses for the life journey I have had.
So Happy Birthday to ME! I cherish all fun, scary and weird 37 years I have been on this planet. My life is a gift from God and I am doing more and more to love and appreciate all of it's components!
Peace~
Melinda
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Looking in a mirror
My guest blogger for today is a dear, dear friend from college Christene Catlin. Christene and I are sorority sisters and she was a huge mentor and saving grace for me during my first two years at Monmouth. Life has given her some struggles, but none that she hasn't fought through and come up loving life and loving her family. Here is Christene's post for today!
I was reading Melinda’s blog about saying enough and I wanted to expand. I think the hardest thing for women to do is look in a mirror. First we look to see if we are all put together. What I mean by this is if you are a mom to small children at the moment you look to see if you have all the appropriate clothing on and then you look at your make-up to see if you completed the task. Sometimes I have walked out of the house fully clothed but not a lick of make up on. I usually figure it out when I get to my sitter’s and she asks if I am feeling ok.
However, if we have that rare extra moment to look in the mirror we look again and look for all the imperfections. How much gray do I have (by the way I really need to wash that right out) or wondering how many wrinkles I can fit around my eyes. Normally we though start with our head (why not we have all been head cases at one point or another) and work our way down. It is when we get down that we look at the “style” of our clothes or the fit of our clothes then the criticism and deprecation of ourselves really begins. So why do we do this every morning and as Melinda said when do we say enough?
I have come to realize it starts young and it starts with us ladies. Let me give you a little background first to what I am talking about. I am currently a stay-at-home-mom but I use to teach junior high student. The opportunity of teaching this age group opened my eyes to the “not enough” syndrome. I had that very feeling growing up: not smart enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough and just over all never meeting what I thought others expected. I learned early on to apologize early on for what I felt I was failing at because I could never quite meet those expectations. It is a pit fall that is very hard to avoid. I find myself dealing with trying not inflicting those feeling on my 8year old son but still encouraging him to do better. (Does this mean what he is doing is not enough now?? – I struggle with this)
Teaching junior high students opened my eyes to the cycle we fall prey to at an early age by society, our peer s and yes our family. I watched girls starve themselves because they didn’t look like the magazine covers, or boys try to do more than they were capable of doing just to show they were better. I always questioned them and asked why they felt they weren’t enough for themselves. None could ever give me an answer because they see it in terms of: I want to be popular or stronger or smarter. When did an A- become not enough or a size 5 not small enough?
Scripture helps me find peace and I have tried to find the passage I am looking for but I am unable. However it speaks of being created in God’s own image. Scripture also talks about God seeing the beauty we carry in us. I am not saying I am succeeding in this but I try every day to be enough for God. I try to accept who I am because only when I can do that can God and others truly love me and see me for who I am.
So here I am ladies in all my glory – I have more gray hairs than I can count, I am two sizes bigger than I was when I got pregnant, I have a scar that travels from my navel to by pelvic bone, my legs are covered in varicose veins and a little hairy , around my eyes I have dark circles that never seem to go away and my teeth are yellow. So what am I going to do I am going to eat better to lose weight, maybe dye my hair and I will find a whitener for my teeth. The other things I will have to live with and accept because I refuse to seek medical procedures to get rid of them.
In the end, though I also know that God loves me no matter what so for today I will remember Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Thank you my friend, so beautifully said!
Peace~
Melinda
Monday, July 26, 2010
Phenomenal Woman...
The following is an email I received from a wonderful, amazing woman. Rory and I met about a year ago when we ventured into a social justice class being offered at our church. She also joined our Moms group as well. Now we have added another venture to our friendship- starting our 7Sisters nonprofit group. She lifts me up, keeps me going and always keeps me laughing. Thanks for letting me share this email Rory!
So I've been meaning to write you about your blog. But it seems that when I actually have a few minutes I either try to get some breathing room or chisel the goo off of my children.
To begin, you're such a beatiful writer. I love reading everything you write, even the 7Sisters agendas, and I'm so glad you're doing this blog.
I've been struggling with weight issues for a while and I was thinking about writing a blog that began with finding a picture of myself. Ever have those days when you you're doing your makeup and hair in the mirror and thinking "Lookin' good..." and then a picture that someone takes just snaps you back into reality? In mine I look strangely like Sasquatch. No really. I even looked up the picture on the Internet and although mine was fairly clear -- Bad posture? Check. Extra wild hair? Check. Intimidating girth? Oh. Yeah.
And so I've put off doing so many things because of my weight. Swimming lessons for the kids? Forced myself this year. But I won't take them to Elitch's or Water World (which for my pasty self isn't such a bad thing). Sewing some outfits? (Don't ask.) I look like I'm saving up for the apocalypse with linen, stretch jersey and some mighty fine silks. But I can't possibly make them until I lose weight.
And so I thought about a tongue-in-cheek view of my weight, called Sassy Sasquatch, Sew-Sew Sasquatch or Squalling Sasquatch. Heavy on the self deprication, complete with unflattering photos. You get the idea. And then I had a conversation with my daughter where she was upset because everyone keeps telling her she's tall and skinny. So, I had to console my daughter about being our society's supposed ideal. And It just seems so incredibly tragic to me that it doesn't matter what a girl, teen or woman looks like, someone is still telling them it's not right. My daughter is seven and has already alternated between too skinny, too fat, just... too.
I have a gorgeous friend who is somewhere around a size two. Maybe on three days she feels "bloated." She constantly tears herself apart and I've told her that every time she tears herself down around me, I'm charging her a dollar, and when we have enough money, we're going to D-Bar, which serves primarily desserts.
And so that l'il rant leads me back to you. I think it was a squiggly line. I love how you just own yourself and who you are. There are no apologies. And at least in public, I don't hear you tear yourself down. And so I'm so glad you're going to make this journey for yourself and your kids and that sassy little granddaughter that one day you're going to spoil rotten.
Here's a poem that I love by Maya Angelou that you and your post made me think of.
Phenomenal Woman
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Maya Angelou
Amen Rory. Thank you for your wit, I swear it will get us through many a tough time. Couldn't do it without you sister!
Peace~
Melinda
Friday, July 23, 2010
Enough!
This morning I received an email from a dear friend that brought me to tears. It was so moving that I am hoping she will allow me to post it on my blog. Anyway, after reading the email at 5am I had burst of thoughts- which usually happens to me and then I have nothing to write on. But this morning I had my blackberry close by and started typing myself a reminder.
So many people can tell you so many awful things about yourself- that is what usually happens to me. But in an instance one woman brought me to tears. Tears about the way we, as women, completely tear ourselves apart- no matter what size we are. As if somehow we will never be.... enough.
Our daughters begin at an extremely young age ripping themselves to shreds because they are not enough. As teenagers we really feel at all times that we are never enough. And as young women we starve ourselves because we have to be enough in order to find a mate, in fact we base our entire self worth on being enough. Then as wives and mothers we may let "ourselves go" because other must come first and even in the midst of marital or motherhood bliss, we punish ourselves for not being who we think we "ought to be".
I say it's ENOUGH!
I have spent my whole life on this planet punishing myself for not being enough. It's time for me to end it. It's time for all of us to end it. I am more than enough. I am the only Melinda Marie there will ever be and if I weren't enough, than God would never have breathed life into me and said "this is your life my child and I have made you in my image and that image is perfection."
Have you reached the point where you feel you are more than enough? When are we going to stop punishing ourselves to look a certain way and decide instead that we need to keep our bodies healthy- whatever that number on the scale happens to be. When are we going to love the arms that hold our children, embrace our spouse? When are we going to love the stretch marks that developed because we brought a child into this world? All of those imperfections we see in the mirror are the marks of a life lived. And shouldn't we be grateful that we have lived that life?
I think it's time.
Peace~
Melinda
So many people can tell you so many awful things about yourself- that is what usually happens to me. But in an instance one woman brought me to tears. Tears about the way we, as women, completely tear ourselves apart- no matter what size we are. As if somehow we will never be.... enough.
Our daughters begin at an extremely young age ripping themselves to shreds because they are not enough. As teenagers we really feel at all times that we are never enough. And as young women we starve ourselves because we have to be enough in order to find a mate, in fact we base our entire self worth on being enough. Then as wives and mothers we may let "ourselves go" because other must come first and even in the midst of marital or motherhood bliss, we punish ourselves for not being who we think we "ought to be".
I say it's ENOUGH!
I have spent my whole life on this planet punishing myself for not being enough. It's time for me to end it. It's time for all of us to end it. I am more than enough. I am the only Melinda Marie there will ever be and if I weren't enough, than God would never have breathed life into me and said "this is your life my child and I have made you in my image and that image is perfection."
Have you reached the point where you feel you are more than enough? When are we going to stop punishing ourselves to look a certain way and decide instead that we need to keep our bodies healthy- whatever that number on the scale happens to be. When are we going to love the arms that hold our children, embrace our spouse? When are we going to love the stretch marks that developed because we brought a child into this world? All of those imperfections we see in the mirror are the marks of a life lived. And shouldn't we be grateful that we have lived that life?
I think it's time.
Peace~
Melinda
Thursday, July 22, 2010
To burn or not to burn...
OUT, I mean. I am doing my best to balance and some days it is easier than others. Yesterday, for instance, you all got to see my anxious, irritated self. So after Kitty's decision to quit, I fumed for quite a while- actually into this morning! Then a dear friend of mine told me to let it go, if I didn't do it, someone else would. And she was right! I got a volunteer to do the job our group needed to get done. Viola!
So in balance of life I have to add in the very important factor of relationships. Friendships especially. My friends keep me SANE! I went for many years without very many friends, which for an extrovert of my caliber is like death. But I have come back to my roots and realized I need these people in my life! I have a group of people who keep me afloat and repeatedly lift me up and tell me that I need to keep pushing forward. I thank God every day for these people.
On the flip side of that I have had to realize that there are some people that I have had to let go. They don't do anything to further the growth of my life and basically suck all the life out of me with the drama they insist on having. And I just simply cannot allow that much drama into my life. That is not to say that things don't happen that create issues that are unexpected and tragic and must be dealt with. But I can't live at that level on a regular basis.
So the other change I made in the last 24 hours to lower my stress level? First I started my daughter on the parenting program 1-2-3 Magic and it requires the parent not to talk and not to allow emotions to enter while you are disciplining. That is SO hard for me. I come from a long line of Irish matriarchs that yell, all the time. And I had determined that I was not going to be that Mom and lookey here- I turned out to yell just as much if not more than my Mother did! So much for wishful thinking. My goal for balance with my kids is to use this parenting program and not to yell, become stressed, have an aneurysm and die! I say that in jest, but my anger level could have reached out of control levels if I let it and I cherish my children and they need to feel that this home is there safe place.
Wow, as I write I am beginning to see how many more levels and facets there are to keeping myself healthy that just putting down the M&M's! Do you have any stress triggers that keep you from being a balanced person? And what can you do to get rid of them?
Here's to peace my friends! We all deserve it!
Melinda
So in balance of life I have to add in the very important factor of relationships. Friendships especially. My friends keep me SANE! I went for many years without very many friends, which for an extrovert of my caliber is like death. But I have come back to my roots and realized I need these people in my life! I have a group of people who keep me afloat and repeatedly lift me up and tell me that I need to keep pushing forward. I thank God every day for these people.
On the flip side of that I have had to realize that there are some people that I have had to let go. They don't do anything to further the growth of my life and basically suck all the life out of me with the drama they insist on having. And I just simply cannot allow that much drama into my life. That is not to say that things don't happen that create issues that are unexpected and tragic and must be dealt with. But I can't live at that level on a regular basis.
So the other change I made in the last 24 hours to lower my stress level? First I started my daughter on the parenting program 1-2-3 Magic and it requires the parent not to talk and not to allow emotions to enter while you are disciplining. That is SO hard for me. I come from a long line of Irish matriarchs that yell, all the time. And I had determined that I was not going to be that Mom and lookey here- I turned out to yell just as much if not more than my Mother did! So much for wishful thinking. My goal for balance with my kids is to use this parenting program and not to yell, become stressed, have an aneurysm and die! I say that in jest, but my anger level could have reached out of control levels if I let it and I cherish my children and they need to feel that this home is there safe place.
Wow, as I write I am beginning to see how many more levels and facets there are to keeping myself healthy that just putting down the M&M's! Do you have any stress triggers that keep you from being a balanced person? And what can you do to get rid of them?
Here's to peace my friends! We all deserve it!
Melinda
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I guess I do...
Short post today. I have discovered I do have some triggers when it comes to food! I have been paying attention to my food intake and more importantly how feel when I go to eat. I believe I have discussed my anxiety issue before and people trigger it easily. Certain people more than others.
So last night as I was getting ready for bed I saw the red light on my blackberry blinking and picked it up seeing that I had an email. It was from a person that I have had difficulties with over the past year and we have butt heads a few times, but I felt like we had gotten over that. For purposes of this post we will call her "Kitty". The email from Kitty indicated that she could no longer carry out a responsibility she had to a group I am in and dumped it right in my lap. Her reason? Her kids were sick. So this "job" she had for our group (which takes a max of 15 mins a MONTH to complete) is too much for her because her kids are sick.
Immediately after reading the email I was completely pissed off! I didn't respond, I have at least learned not to respond when I am angry, but I did proceed to eat some wheat thin and string cheese at 11pm! This morning I was still fuming about it and I am noticing it is causing me to have a massive headache and have spent the last 12 hours just plain mad! And I am still trying to dissect why? Is it because I want her to be more part of the group? Nope, would actually rather she leave. Because we have had issues in the past? Nope, I am over those. So why was I so mad? My Mother told me I was being handed a bouquet of roses from God and I was pushing them away.
Probably a more important question is why am I allowing Kitty's actions to dictate my behavior? She doesn't live my life and I don't live hers. This may have been her delicate way to exit our group, which is fine.
I am so incredibly frustrated today and can't seem to let go or calm down enough to sort through them. I am frustrated that I allow a person I have know for about 2 years to control so much of my behavior. But how to get out of it?
Well I am off to figure out how.
Peace~
Melinda
So last night as I was getting ready for bed I saw the red light on my blackberry blinking and picked it up seeing that I had an email. It was from a person that I have had difficulties with over the past year and we have butt heads a few times, but I felt like we had gotten over that. For purposes of this post we will call her "Kitty". The email from Kitty indicated that she could no longer carry out a responsibility she had to a group I am in and dumped it right in my lap. Her reason? Her kids were sick. So this "job" she had for our group (which takes a max of 15 mins a MONTH to complete) is too much for her because her kids are sick.
Immediately after reading the email I was completely pissed off! I didn't respond, I have at least learned not to respond when I am angry, but I did proceed to eat some wheat thin and string cheese at 11pm! This morning I was still fuming about it and I am noticing it is causing me to have a massive headache and have spent the last 12 hours just plain mad! And I am still trying to dissect why? Is it because I want her to be more part of the group? Nope, would actually rather she leave. Because we have had issues in the past? Nope, I am over those. So why was I so mad? My Mother told me I was being handed a bouquet of roses from God and I was pushing them away.
Probably a more important question is why am I allowing Kitty's actions to dictate my behavior? She doesn't live my life and I don't live hers. This may have been her delicate way to exit our group, which is fine.
I am so incredibly frustrated today and can't seem to let go or calm down enough to sort through them. I am frustrated that I allow a person I have know for about 2 years to control so much of my behavior. But how to get out of it?
Well I am off to figure out how.
Peace~
Melinda
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The voice you listen to...
"All too often we bemoan our imperfections rather than embrace them as part of the process in which we are brought to God. Cherished emptiness gives God space in which to work. We are pure capacity for God. Let us not, then, take our littleness lightly. It is a wonderful grace. It is a gift to receive. At the same time, let us not get trapped in the confines of our littleness, but keep pushing on to claim our greatness. Remind yourself often, “I am pure capacity for God; I can be more.”
- Macrina Wiederkehr from A Tree Full of Angels
I have been thinking a lot this week about what voice I listen to. Is it my own self talk or do I listen too much to others and therefore it becomes ingrained into my psyche and that is all I hear? I have several things that brought this forward this week. One is the quote above from The Sojourners daily email that I receive. I think it is interesting that God gives us unlimited capacity to learn and grow and become who we were meant to be, but yet we, as humans, limit ourselves so much! Why? God has basically given us the world- literally he has given us the world. So why is it most of us don't take it? I certainly have limited myself to my square corner. I am wondering if it is because we don't understand the limitless capacity that God has. That as humans we cannot physically imagine all of that goodness, that greatness that lies within all of us.
Secondly, I have gotten some ideas from the first class I am taking in my online quest to obtain my paralegal degree. It is called "Strategies for Success" and basically it is for those of us who haven't been in school for 15 years, etc. We have a series of videos to watch and they are done by a man named Lou Tice, I will admit when I first starting listening to Lou I rolled my eyes. He is obviously a motivational speaker and those kind of speakers normally make me gag with their fluffy rhetoric. But after 3 weeks, Lou has me hooked. The video I watched yesterday was about self talk and how our self talk becomes either negative or positive. Lou said that when we replay negative speech or situations in our mind, it becomes a part of us. Interesting. So for the past 24 hours I have been listening to how I talk to myself and what situations I tend to replay. And in that time I have begun to switch my self talk to only positive things and despite my eye rolling at Lou's advice- he's right. I can tell the change in my attitude today. I don't think I will instantly stop being a worrier or that my inner anxiety will change, but just since starting this blog and determining that this is the new path that I WILL walk has changed my habits.
Lastly, I was watching the All-Star game Tuesday and yes I was thrilled that the NL finally won after a 14 year drought and that when the Rockies when the division and then the pennett, the first game of the World Series this year will be played in Colorado. Yes I believe in Rocktober! But what caught me was a song that was sung at the beginning of the game, a song I have heard many times and disregarded (no not the Star Spangled Banner) but a song by Christine Aguilera "Beautiful". A song she obviously wrote as a young woman for women and maybe for their own self talk.
So these are the things I am thinking about today- God's limitless love for us, my own self talk and how I can begin to practice changing that.
But to keep you up to date with my weekly goals- I have been able to eat three meals a day this whole week- healthy meals. I have stopped snacking after 9pm, but I have not made the walks or yoga yet. I am going to rearrange my school schedule and fit these items in.
A new goal- to allow the greatness that God has planned for me unfold within. Maybe that should be your goal too? What is holding you back?
Peace-
Melinda
Monday, July 12, 2010
Well it's Monday...
Don't you always feel like you are only responsible for what happens Monday through Friday? I do. The weekend was good, Saturday was very fun, drank a bit too much wine Saturday night, I don't have an excuse- I like wine and I was hanging out with some great friends!
So last night I did not have a thing to eat after 9pm, YAY! That is the good news, the bad would be that I only slept 4 hours because my back was really hurting, which today has resulted me having a migraine and hopped up on muscle relaxers... Nice way to start the week.
I was thinking about my Grandma this morning, she passed away this past April. In March '09, she insisted we take a picture when my sister was in town with her two boys. She wanted a picture of her with all 3 generations of Cudneys, just reminded me of how fierce her love for all of us was. Now I have that picture on my desk and my two year old was just looking at it and pointing at my Grandma, it made me incredibly sad, which caught me off guard. My Grandma was so delighted when Punky was born, everyone was! We didn't think we'd have a girl since we are in eternal boy land. It breaks my heart knowing she would have loved to see P grow up and wear cute dresses, learn to swim, ride bikes and be a girl.
I am always interested in emotional triggers that cause overeating or emotional eating. I never have thought I had any of those. Have you? Usually when I get depressed or anxious I cry and stop eating, which isn't good either. So I am working on trying to look inside myself and figure out what my triggers are. For everything- not just eating. I am naturally an anxious person, I always feel the need to be in control and have a very hard time when things get out of control So if that is true- how did I let my weight and health get out of control? I really don't understand that part.
I am also learning to listen to myself a bit better. I have a dear friend from college and she has always guided her life based on her instinct, she listens to herself and her spirit guides her. I have always admired that about her. She doesn't try to control that part of her and I do. When my first child was born, my Grandma had given me the beat advice, which was to listen to myself, to my instinct as a Mother. My friend and my Grandma were very similar in that manner. I hope I can begin to listen to my inner voice and trust it rather than allow everyone else's voices tell me what is right for me.
We'll see how that goes.
Peace, Melinda
So last night I did not have a thing to eat after 9pm, YAY! That is the good news, the bad would be that I only slept 4 hours because my back was really hurting, which today has resulted me having a migraine and hopped up on muscle relaxers... Nice way to start the week.
I was thinking about my Grandma this morning, she passed away this past April. In March '09, she insisted we take a picture when my sister was in town with her two boys. She wanted a picture of her with all 3 generations of Cudneys, just reminded me of how fierce her love for all of us was. Now I have that picture on my desk and my two year old was just looking at it and pointing at my Grandma, it made me incredibly sad, which caught me off guard. My Grandma was so delighted when Punky was born, everyone was! We didn't think we'd have a girl since we are in eternal boy land. It breaks my heart knowing she would have loved to see P grow up and wear cute dresses, learn to swim, ride bikes and be a girl.
I am always interested in emotional triggers that cause overeating or emotional eating. I never have thought I had any of those. Have you? Usually when I get depressed or anxious I cry and stop eating, which isn't good either. So I am working on trying to look inside myself and figure out what my triggers are. For everything- not just eating. I am naturally an anxious person, I always feel the need to be in control and have a very hard time when things get out of control So if that is true- how did I let my weight and health get out of control? I really don't understand that part.
I am also learning to listen to myself a bit better. I have a dear friend from college and she has always guided her life based on her instinct, she listens to herself and her spirit guides her. I have always admired that about her. She doesn't try to control that part of her and I do. When my first child was born, my Grandma had given me the beat advice, which was to listen to myself, to my instinct as a Mother. My friend and my Grandma were very similar in that manner. I hope I can begin to listen to my inner voice and trust it rather than allow everyone else's voices tell me what is right for me.
We'll see how that goes.
Peace, Melinda
Saturday, July 10, 2010
And here I go...
So here goes...everything! I have many inspirations to take this journey, my husband, my children, but the biggest and most important would be myself. I feel pretty selfish saying that. I think as mothers or women, we are trained that we come last. We get up at the crack of dawn to take a shower and get ready so that there is time to dress and feed the kids. We go without in order for our kids to have what they need.
I have very few things I feel like I own, so I guess the purpose here is to say that I am going to own my body. Own the shape it has become, but own the fact that things have to change and then I will own the right to feel good about myself. This is not to say that everyone must be a size 2 in order to be valued- everyone has value as a child of God and as a part of humanity. So it shouldn't matter what size your jeans say or what the number on the scale is, you have value. I HAVE VALUE! But I know that I am not healthy and I do not take care of myself and I am not whole.
I have spent the last calendar year trying to decide what career field to enter and to get there, what school I needed to attend. It has taken me an entire year to figure all of that out and begin. I did research, talked to friends and made sure the school I would be attending would be one of the best. So why wouldn't I want the best for my body? Why, why, why.... That is the eternal and unanswerable question- for now. Maybe I'll come to an answer, guess we'll have to wait and see.
So just as I have set goals for my education and career, I will attempt to set some for my own personal self. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I will decide what is right for me. I have this problem (as do most of us) of looking at friends and even strangers and somehow think they have it all figured out! Being a size 2 must be happiness! Yes, I must strive to be a size 2! Running a marathon must be my goal! Yes, I must run a marathon! Those might realistic goals for somebody, but they aren't for me. A. I am almost 5'9", if I were a size 2 you would be able to count my ribs! B. I don't like running or being sweaty or being in the sun! In fact I have always said I would only run if someone were chasing me with a knife. So why would I strive to be like someone else? There is only one of me, so shouldn't I love me?
Don't get me wrong, I am taking this seriously. This is the war of my life and I know that. I am 36 years old and I want to see 40. I want to see my kids graduate from high school and get married. I want to see my daughter have a child (mostly so I can see if it's true that she will have a child as challenging as she is! But that is another blog...). I want to put a swimsuit on and go to the beach one day. I want to be the woman who loves having her picture taken again. I want my husband to look at me like there isn't anyone more beautiful than me. I want my daughter to have a healthy self-esteem and love herself. I want to LIVE!
So for this week I have a few goals I would like to meet. Goal 1- make sure I eat three healthy meals a day and no snacking after 9pm. Goal 2- begin doing some simple yoga or pilates 3 x a week (this is actually more doctor's orders- yep, I am a stressed out, over committed mother!) Goal 3- take a walk around the block with my dog 3 days this week. That's it for this week.
I invite you to post your comments about your own struggles with all of these issues. I look forward to walking this journey and I have faith that I will become the person I want to see in the mirror.
Peace, Melinda
I have very few things I feel like I own, so I guess the purpose here is to say that I am going to own my body. Own the shape it has become, but own the fact that things have to change and then I will own the right to feel good about myself. This is not to say that everyone must be a size 2 in order to be valued- everyone has value as a child of God and as a part of humanity. So it shouldn't matter what size your jeans say or what the number on the scale is, you have value. I HAVE VALUE! But I know that I am not healthy and I do not take care of myself and I am not whole.
I have spent the last calendar year trying to decide what career field to enter and to get there, what school I needed to attend. It has taken me an entire year to figure all of that out and begin. I did research, talked to friends and made sure the school I would be attending would be one of the best. So why wouldn't I want the best for my body? Why, why, why.... That is the eternal and unanswerable question- for now. Maybe I'll come to an answer, guess we'll have to wait and see.
So just as I have set goals for my education and career, I will attempt to set some for my own personal self. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I will decide what is right for me. I have this problem (as do most of us) of looking at friends and even strangers and somehow think they have it all figured out! Being a size 2 must be happiness! Yes, I must strive to be a size 2! Running a marathon must be my goal! Yes, I must run a marathon! Those might realistic goals for somebody, but they aren't for me. A. I am almost 5'9", if I were a size 2 you would be able to count my ribs! B. I don't like running or being sweaty or being in the sun! In fact I have always said I would only run if someone were chasing me with a knife. So why would I strive to be like someone else? There is only one of me, so shouldn't I love me?
Don't get me wrong, I am taking this seriously. This is the war of my life and I know that. I am 36 years old and I want to see 40. I want to see my kids graduate from high school and get married. I want to see my daughter have a child (mostly so I can see if it's true that she will have a child as challenging as she is! But that is another blog...). I want to put a swimsuit on and go to the beach one day. I want to be the woman who loves having her picture taken again. I want my husband to look at me like there isn't anyone more beautiful than me. I want my daughter to have a healthy self-esteem and love herself. I want to LIVE!
So for this week I have a few goals I would like to meet. Goal 1- make sure I eat three healthy meals a day and no snacking after 9pm. Goal 2- begin doing some simple yoga or pilates 3 x a week (this is actually more doctor's orders- yep, I am a stressed out, over committed mother!) Goal 3- take a walk around the block with my dog 3 days this week. That's it for this week.
I invite you to post your comments about your own struggles with all of these issues. I look forward to walking this journey and I have faith that I will become the person I want to see in the mirror.
Peace, Melinda
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