So maybe change isn't that bad?

I always have grand plans of writing and posting a couple times a week.  Well that clearly hasn't happened, has it?  But I do have a very great reason why I have been so preoccupied (other than the normal messy children, dogs need food and constant laundry reason).  I cannot reveal that reason just yet....but it's pretty awesome!

Anyway, my last post was about the mysterious 6lbs that had attached itself to me, there was no true explanation as to why that happened (and you really don't want to hear my doctor's reason- ick), it just did.  But the following week I lost the exact same amount, thank God and then this past week I lost 4lbs and now I am up to 17 total lost!  I am elated to say the least!

 But more than just the weight loss, I am noticing things are becoming habits to me now.  Instead of having rice or pasta as a side, my kids are happily pulling out containers of cut-up watermelon, pineapple, strawberries and grapes. My hubby is also on the plan and we are both making these changes habits.  I have always been a salt and carb loving person and now I am not really even craving these items.  I'm not saying I never will, but for now I am loving all of the fresh fruit and veggies summer is providing us.

The changes I am having a harder time with are the physical ones.  As in physically getting up and moving.  But I am working on it.  I had two surgeries late last year and one earlier this year and the recovery has not been easy- at all.  So at this point I have healed for the most part, there is still some tenderness and I am dealing with some weird "phantom" pain.  But I think it is mostly just a mental block.  It took SO long for my body to heal from the trauma and damage that was done to it and I'm trying to move past that part.  My doctor has cleared me for certain physical activity and I am anxious to get started, but the fear is still there....

So I continue to move through all of these new changes in my life and pray that God gives me the courage and the motivation to just keep moving in this healthy direction.  Not all of these changes are easy ones for me and the circumstances of this last year have created a lot of upheaval in many parts of my life.  But I continue to move forward and accept theses changes.

I found a quote from Joel Osteen that I really love and feel that it applies perfectly to what has happened to me and what WILL happen next.

"When you go through a loss, a disappointment or a bad break, don't expect to come out the same.  Expect to come out better off than you were before."

I'm not the same person I was two years ago, no one is.  We all change and grow through the circumstances we encounter.  The choice we are all given is how we choose to react to these difficult times.  Are we going to close in and refuse to let the world in or are we going to walk out into the sunshine and choose the positive, healthy path God has laid out for us?

Peace~
Melinda

Disturbance in the force....

It appears I have hit one of those bumps in the road we often run into.  Right now mine feels like a 12ft brick wall, but you get the idea.  We dropped our son off at Boy Scout camp on Sunday and he will be there until Saturday.  He has never been away from home this long without us and it has been ROUGH!  He called Monday morning and I didn't recognize the number so I hit the big red "decline" button.  Big mistake.  When I checked the voicemail, I heard my sweet child sobbing and begging me to call me back.  It was brutal. I desperately tried to call back right away, but it was a pay phone and I kept getting a busy signal.  So I spent Monday crying and experiencing the worst Mom guilt ever known to motherhood.  But he hasn't called back, so I'm sure he is fine, but my heart still aches.  I never knew you could miss someone so much.

This is really a time of flux and change in our family and I'm not big on change.  I know the whole "theory" about the only constant in life is change- but I am not a fan.  Today my little baby girl went to Vacation Bible School for the first time.  She has been waiting to go since she could talk and voice her displeasure that her brother got to go, but she didn't.  So it's been a week of growing up and changing for my kids and a week of tears and pleading with God for more time with them for me. And it is only Tuesday....

Tuesday is my weigh-in and meeting day and it seems my streak continued.  I managed to gain 6 lbs in one week!  How exactly does one manage to do that?  I had never been an emotional eater, in fact in the past if I was upset I would just stop eating.  So I am trying to be more aware of my emotional eating, but I am still trying to absorb (no pun intended) how exactly I put on 6 freaking pounds??  That is basically one pound a day!

But I am taking a deep breath and realizing that tomorrow is a new day.  I don't know what caused ALL of those six pounds to jump back on my hiney and all I can do is recommit to myself.  Recommit to the things I know work for me, tracking the food I eat, the activity I do and know that God is walking next to me on the journey.  And I need to remember that He loves my son more than I ever could and when I can't put my arms around him and tell him he is going to be ok, Jesus is sitting right next to him up the beautiful Colorado Rocky Mountains and filling his heart with peace and keeping him safe.

But don't get me wrong, come Saturday morning I will be racing up to the camp to pick up my boy and by that night all will be right in Castle Howard.

Peace~
Melinda

I'm baaaacckk....!

So I took a hiatus...yes a long one.  The last 18 months of my life have been less than fun.  I started to write about all the fun medical procedures I have been through, but does anybody really want to rehash that? I certainly don't.  It sucked, I had three surgeries within a 4 month span, spent months in pain and now I am making my way back.  I joined Weight Watchers back in April, it is a plan that has always worked for me and it continues to work for me.  But this time, it is not about vanity. Now I am not saying I am not dying to be able to walk into any store and pick out a pair of skinny jeans and a seriously cute pair of boots and marvel at myself in a three way mirror, because I am!  But this past 18 months showed me more than anything that, I am, in fact, actually mortal.  I will die one day!  I just don't  want it to be today.  I have an 11 year old son and 4 year old daughter and I am turning 40 in exactly 49 days (that is a blog for another day!) and I don't want to live in this body anymore.  I want to be strong and healthy.  I don't want to be the 24 year old, 5'9", 140lb version of me- don't get me wrong, she was damn cute.  I want to be the healthy 40 year old version of me.  So anyway, that is that.  

So far I have lost 14 lbs and 8 1/2 inches.  I can feel how different this time around is for me.  I am in this for the long haul, I am committed more that I ever have been.  I find myself looking forward to learning more about how the body works and how I can improve how mine works.  I have never been one that likes getting sweaty and hot and dirty- ask anyone who knows me, I will avoid dirt and heat at all costs.  But I now find myself looking for challenges, they are small ones right now, but it is a start.  I see inspiration all around me.  I have an amazing friend who has survived cancer twice and has now recreated a healthy life for herself and she just doesn't quit.  I have other friends who run marathons regularly, lift weights just to improve how strong they physically are and continually push themselves everyday physically.  I honestly think God has placed these women all around me on purpose- there is NO escaping them!  They are everyday reminders of what I hope to achieve and have been my constant supporters, I am so grateful for them.

So I'm back.  Can't say I will be perfect at this journey, no one ever is.  But I am giving it my all and I am slowly working my way back to being healthy and to figuring out who I am and what my health journey is.  And it won't look like anyone else's...cause God only made one Melinda and she isn't a quitter- so watch out world!

Peace~
Melinda

It isn't just me....

I have been watching Portia de Rossi speak about her journey with her weight, health, self-image and her sexuality.  Listening to her read portions of her book make my heart break.  I look at this incredibly beautiful, smart successful woman who says the same thing inside of her head that I say in mine!  Her battle with herself is absolutely no different that mine! 

She tells a story about how she was trying on suits to be the new Loreal face and when she realized she was a size 8, she was devastated.  This last year I know that I have gained back some weight that I worked so hard to lose and I hate myself for it.  I saw a picture of myself from this weekend with my beautiful little girl and I sat for 30 mins last night comparing it to a picture taken of she and I last Christmas and I could tell there was a difference in my face.  What am I doing??? 

I have two friends in particular who have gone through life shattering situations, things that could absolutely break a person.  But these two women haven't!  And I know they have both had moments that were deep and dark when they didn't think they would see the end of this struggle, but they did!  I sit in awe of these two women and wonder where that strength came from and how can I tap into that? 

Tears are running down my face faster than I can stop them.  Hopefully I won't electrocute myself from shorting out my laptop!  I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE!  I have plans!  I have things I desperately want to do, but I know I can't like this, which just brings on more fear and more tears.  I am absolutely paralyzed by this fear right now.

I am not saying I have not had to struggle and fight for things, but I think this part is so much harder than everything else I have ever done. 

I look at Portia in awe, she made it through.  My dear friends have made it through and I thank God everyday that they are where they are in their lives.  But why can't I get there?  Why?  I feel like a failure to myself, my family, my friends, to the point of this blog.  I honestly don't know what I thought I was doing when I set out to do this...  I thought maybe I could help someone.  I thought maybe I could force myself out of this. 

So where do I go from here.....?

Falling and failing...

ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!  I am so frustrated with myself!  I wanted to be so faithful to this blog and my followers and to this process, but I feel I am completely failing at all of it!  I was talking to a good friend of mine this morning, we both have the same mindset about commitment and the precious time we have.  I commented to her that lately I had been hanging back before committing to something, because it seems I have been saying 'yes' to something and then not following through and I can't stand that!!!!  It is a very annoying quality in others and I really don't like doing that in my life.  So when I commit, I COM-MIT!  which is why my lack of blogging and caring for myself has once again slid right to the back.

And when I say back, I don't mean back burner, I mean literally to my back!  I generally carry my stress in my shoulders and my neck and it seems to have crept back in and landed me in urgent care with my neck and arms in some sort of pretzel looking stance.  So back to PT I head and back to feeling sorry for myself, which leads to my non-committal self.....

I have to make some steps forward, for myself and for my family.  Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my husband's heart attack and it just stunned me that it feels like in five years we haven't made any changes to our lives!  And that scares the sh!t out of me!  My husband almost DIED and yet what have I done to change anything?  My best friend's husband DIED because of a weight-related issue and what have I done?  I am tired of falling and tired of failing.  So for today, I may crawl in a corner and ponder what to do next.... But tomorrow I need to make the commitment to change a sincere commitment.   Tomorrow I will be hoping and changing.

Peace~
Melinda

How is your OS?

I have just finished up the second class in my adventure to a new career. And even though I already have a BA, I am taking classes to get an Associates Degree in Paralegal Studies. So the way I figure it, I will have a college degree and a half! :)



The class was Computer and Internet Literacy, so I have been thinking about how we, well how I, push my computers and expect them always to perform at their best everytime I turn them on, no matter what tasks I require of it. I also expect my body to perform at the same level no matter what is happening. But recently I have felt my body or my operating system (OS) has been pushed to the max! How far can a human body go under tremendous amounts of stress before it breaks?

This past two weeks, I have felt as though my body has been pushed to it's limit. There were a few extra-ordinary events that happened, but most of it is just life! How does one get through these events without completely cracking up?

I will admit that I have done a major backslide these last few weeks and am having a very hard time prioritizing what I know needs to be done. I have a good friend who wants to go and workout together, yet I haven't gotten back to her yet, because I feel like I haven't come up for air yet. My eating habits have gotten quite poor, I haven't been eating breakfast and have had way to much caffeine and sugar. Mostly the caffeine makes up for the exhaustion I have been feeling because my mind is so preoccupied that I am not sleeping very well. And the last straw? I re-injured my back this weekend, so I am in pain- which means it's back to PT!

When does it end? When will I get a break? When can my family just get away, relax and have some fun? I am not expecting any particular answer, because I am not sure there is one. What do you think?

Peace~
Melinda

Shutting Down

Wow, that was a bit of an absence, wasn't it? I am currently recouping from what seems like the bubonic plague that took over our house for the last week. But I think I am on the mend and will survive.

It isn't amazing how many ideas present themselves when you begin a project? I have created a file with blog ideas and it seems I also never run out of opinions either…. But that coupled with all the activities I am involved in not to mention work and now school, it seems my brain just will not shut off! Thank God for the plague descending on Castle Howard this weekend, otherwise I probably wouldn't have even tried to relax.

I haven't seen the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" yet, but I have seen the scene where Julia Roberts' character tries to meditate. She talks nonstop to herself and is bothered by a bug and realizes after a few minutes how difficult shutting her mind off is. I will admit that I like being busy, I like being involved- I really do think that it has kept me sane (as strange as that sounds). I feel that even more these days when there is a constant bombardment of information. And I have been teased that my blackberry has been surgically attached to my brain. Even when I am not being distracted by all of these outer pieces, why it is SO hard for me just to do nothing? I don't think the 30 seconds after I turn the light out and before I fall asleep at night counts. Can anyone relate?

I would love to say I am a calm person and can separate myself from my activities or family and just relax, but it seems I have a hard time doing any part of that. But I really would like to know why? Is it because I really am that busy? Possibly. Bad at time management? No, I don't think so. Or is there some deeper reason I am avoiding? I honestly do not know. But I would like to find that spot where calm and peace lies, at least for a few minutes each day.

Here's hoping you have found your spot of peace today!

Peace~
Melinda

For the love of a body...

You’ll have to pardon my absence from writing as of late. I have been overwhelmed with so many of the things in life that can pull at the fibers of your sanity and soul. And I hate to dump all of that into my writing. I want to be able to find peace in my writing and seek out answers through the process. Not just bitch and moan about my overflowing to-do list. But after last week a dear friend, one whom I admire greatly, always have, told me that perhaps I needed some “blog therapy”. She was probably right. It does help me move away from the daily stressors of my life and delve into the meat of what I am seeking.

On that note, I have been having many discussions with good friends, my husband and myself about how we perceive our bodies. I am concerned that we start at a young age with our self-loathing. I remember when I was 12 my best friend and I decided we needed to go to Weight Watchers! We were TWELVE! Part of the reason we decided to go is that we were receiving some messages from our Mothers about our weight. I know that our Mothers each loved us deeply and only wanted the best for our health. But we were both very tall girls, and were built more like our fathers. My own Mother is 5’5” and weighed about 110 lbs when she married my Dad at 22. I, on the other hand was 5’5” by the time I was 13 and was already wearing a bra with a cup size bigger than my Mother. So in her own way, she thought I was overweight, but truly I was not.

So for me the self-loathing began in middle school and when I look back at the pictures of that young girl I ache for how much she hated the way she looked. I have a friend who used to teach middle school and has told me many stories about the girls she taught not wanting to each lunch in front of the boys. How incredibly tragic.

When I think about my body and even though it is not in the shape or size I would like, I need to be so very, very grateful for all that it has done and does everyday. First of all I look at the birth of my sweet daughter and how absolutely gorgeous she was and still is. And I remember my Mom holding her and telling me that she was almost as beautiful as I was. I was a child that was adored by my parents and grandparents. I was a healthy child, adolescent and mostly adult. I will admit that I feel my body has betrayed me at times, which frustrates me, but is part of life.

I have developed a thank you note for my body and all that it has given me. A brain that helped me learn and go to college, a drive and ambition to graduate In 3 ½ years. Beautiful hair, eyes and a big smile that got the attention of my husband. A reproductive system that helped conceive two children, a uterus that nourished and kept my babies safe for 9 months. An immune system that healed my body from two c-sections. Two arms that held and loved my babies, lips to give them many kisses, legs to walk and sway to rock those babies to sleep. Hands to brush their little teeth and hair and a voice to sing to them, laugh with them and tell them every day how much I love them. And now a drive and desire to return to school and pursue a dream. And the creativity and the ability to put my thoughts into words.

So thank you body. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Peace-
Melinda