I have so many amazing, miraculous moments in my life. Have you ever stopped in the midst of something and thought- wow I am sitting, right now, in the middle of a miracle? In the middle of a prayer answered? Lately I have really stopped myself and forced myself to look at the miracles in my life.
People use the word miracle is way that make it seem huge and grandiose. Something like bringing the dead to life, making the lame, walk, the mute speak. I wonder if that is the only way they can see God? I would think that is very tragic. Because honestly, I see him everywhere. I am living out answered prayer- everyday. My marriage is an answer to prayer. No, I didn't mean the young man, who was hugely financially successful and could keep me living in the lap of luxury everyday. But what I do have is even better, I have a man who loves me deeply to his core. A man who describes love not as a feeling, but as a will. He always tells me he has the will to love me. I think that is poetic and beautiful, because feelings are fleeting, but having the love for someone ingrained in your being is miraculous and not always easy to find. He loves me on my most unlovable days.
Everyone feels their children are blessings and mine certainly are, but these living, breathing, laughing, messy creatures are walking miracles. Both in their own unique way. My oldest has Autism and while that is a crushing diagnosis, he has never let it define him or beat him. That says a lot about this beautiful boy, who is only eight. He was born 11 months to the day after we were married and it feels like he has been a constant part of my life, like I have known him my whole life. And my daughter, who was born 7 years after her brother is a miracle in it's pure form. I was told not to have any more children, that I couldn't have any more children, etc. Well, if you know me, then you know once I have decided on something it WILL happen. And in the summer of 2007 I decided I WOULD have a daughter, not just another baby. A daughter. A year later, she was born. This beautiful, little blonde monkey who loves to be tickled and hasn't yet given up her binkie challenges me everyday. She has an amazing spirit that, even at two, fills a room and I cannot wait to see where that will take her.
But I do need to steer this back to me and the presence of God in my life every minute of everyday. There are some things that have happened to me in the last 12-13 years of my life that have been so painful I thought I would never survive and when I did, I thought my existence would be just merely surviving. For a long time, that is all it was. When my daughter was born two years ago, it was if when her life began, God breathed new life into me. The Melinda that most of the people from my past know, is now the Melinda that everyone in my life now knows. I found myself again, God pulled me out and dusted me off and said- now go forward and thrive. And I have. I know very well that life is about the journey not the destination. I believe the journey itself is a miracle. In my journey I am in the middle of a miracle. So many blessings, so many answers to prayer.
Thank you, thank you God for placing me in the middle of another miracle.
Peace-
Melinda
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Self Love
I had to share this poem written by Rev. Sheila A.Johnson. She is the Mother of a high school friend, who is blogging her journey through divorce. Rev. Johnson has encapsulated everything I feel about self-image and how I am learning to love what God has given me! I hope her writing will speak to your heart, the way it has spoken to mine.
Thank you Michelle for allowing to share such beautiful writing!
http://www.michellefox.com/2010/08/self-love/
Peace-
Melinda
Thank you Michelle for allowing to share such beautiful writing!
http://www.michellefox.com/2010/08/self-love/
Peace-
Melinda
Monday, August 23, 2010
For the love of a body...
You’ll have to pardon my absence from writing as of late. I have been overwhelmed with so many of the things in life that can pull at the fibers of your sanity and soul. And I hate to dump all of that into my writing. I want to be able to find peace in my writing and seek out answers through the process. Not just bitch and moan about my overflowing to-do list. But after last week a dear friend, one whom I admire greatly, always have, told me that perhaps I needed some “blog therapy”. She was probably right. It does help me move away from the daily stressors of my life and delve into the meat of what I am seeking.
On that note, I have been having many discussions with good friends, my husband and myself about how we perceive our bodies. I am concerned that we start at a young age with our self-loathing. I remember when I was 12 my best friend and I decided we needed to go to Weight Watchers! We were TWELVE! Part of the reason we decided to go is that we were receiving some messages from our Mothers about our weight. I know that our Mothers each loved us deeply and only wanted the best for our health. But we were both very tall girls, and were built more like our fathers. My own Mother is 5’5” and weighed about 110 lbs when she married my Dad at 22. I, on the other hand was 5’5” by the time I was 13 and was already wearing a bra with a cup size bigger than my Mother. So in her own way, she thought I was overweight, but truly I was not.
So for me the self-loathing began in middle school and when I look back at the pictures of that young girl I ache for how much she hated the way she looked. I have a friend who used to teach middle school and has told me many stories about the girls she taught not wanting to each lunch in front of the boys. How incredibly tragic.
When I think about my body and even though it is not in the shape or size I would like, I need to be so very, very grateful for all that it has done and does everyday. First of all I look at the birth of my sweet daughter and how absolutely gorgeous she was and still is. And I remember my Mom holding her and telling me that she was almost as beautiful as I was. I was a child that was adored by my parents and grandparents. I was a healthy child, adolescent and mostly adult. I will admit that I feel my body has betrayed me at times, which frustrates me, but is part of life.
I have developed a thank you note for my body and all that it has given me. A brain that helped me learn and go to college, a drive and ambition to graduate In 3 ½ years. Beautiful hair, eyes and a big smile that got the attention of my husband. A reproductive system that helped conceive two children, a uterus that nourished and kept my babies safe for 9 months. An immune system that healed my body from two c-sections. Two arms that held and loved my babies, lips to give them many kisses, legs to walk and sway to rock those babies to sleep. Hands to brush their little teeth and hair and a voice to sing to them, laugh with them and tell them every day how much I love them. And now a drive and desire to return to school and pursue a dream. And the creativity and the ability to put my thoughts into words.
So thank you body. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Peace-
Melinda
On that note, I have been having many discussions with good friends, my husband and myself about how we perceive our bodies. I am concerned that we start at a young age with our self-loathing. I remember when I was 12 my best friend and I decided we needed to go to Weight Watchers! We were TWELVE! Part of the reason we decided to go is that we were receiving some messages from our Mothers about our weight. I know that our Mothers each loved us deeply and only wanted the best for our health. But we were both very tall girls, and were built more like our fathers. My own Mother is 5’5” and weighed about 110 lbs when she married my Dad at 22. I, on the other hand was 5’5” by the time I was 13 and was already wearing a bra with a cup size bigger than my Mother. So in her own way, she thought I was overweight, but truly I was not.
So for me the self-loathing began in middle school and when I look back at the pictures of that young girl I ache for how much she hated the way she looked. I have a friend who used to teach middle school and has told me many stories about the girls she taught not wanting to each lunch in front of the boys. How incredibly tragic.
When I think about my body and even though it is not in the shape or size I would like, I need to be so very, very grateful for all that it has done and does everyday. First of all I look at the birth of my sweet daughter and how absolutely gorgeous she was and still is. And I remember my Mom holding her and telling me that she was almost as beautiful as I was. I was a child that was adored by my parents and grandparents. I was a healthy child, adolescent and mostly adult. I will admit that I feel my body has betrayed me at times, which frustrates me, but is part of life.
I have developed a thank you note for my body and all that it has given me. A brain that helped me learn and go to college, a drive and ambition to graduate In 3 ½ years. Beautiful hair, eyes and a big smile that got the attention of my husband. A reproductive system that helped conceive two children, a uterus that nourished and kept my babies safe for 9 months. An immune system that healed my body from two c-sections. Two arms that held and loved my babies, lips to give them many kisses, legs to walk and sway to rock those babies to sleep. Hands to brush their little teeth and hair and a voice to sing to them, laugh with them and tell them every day how much I love them. And now a drive and desire to return to school and pursue a dream. And the creativity and the ability to put my thoughts into words.
So thank you body. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Peace-
Melinda
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Again, why?
I have always been a writer, which would be why I had planned on becoming a journalist in my younger days. I had passed on that career, when I turned down an interview with NPR when I was only 22. Partly because I thought I would be compromising my own set of ethics by being part of the "media". The year I had graduated from college was the same year as the OJ Simpson trial and the Oklahoma City bombing. It was very devastating to me to watch the media distort so many things about OJ's trial- did we really need to hear a critique of the lead prosecutor's hair? Why did that matter to the public? And to watch OJ parade around and become even more of a celebrity, while the media just lapped it up, was even more stomach turning. So it was hard for me to turn away from writing. I personally feel God had his hand in creating blogs so that those of who have that inner novelist can get it out in a somewhat public forum.
Anyway- long way to go about saying that I am loving being able to write a blog. Writing has always been an emotional outlet and also I have this section of my brain that I stack ideas in and if I don't get them out, they will get lost in the muddle of my life. So I find inspiration and ideas absolutely everywhere, I am that person who gets up in the middle of the night and writes ideas down on a kleenex box or on my backberry at a stoplight. At home my laptop is not far from me, because I never know what will spark an idea.
Like this morning, I just got up and turned the tv on to see a morning show interviewing Barbra Streisand. I LOVE her! She is an amazing woman and doesn't compromise or apologize for herself, she is authentic and I love and appreciate authentic people. One question that was asked by the reporter was why she felt the need to be such a perfectionist. Babs asked her (I am paraphrasing)- "why do you ask that in such a judgemental way? A man would never be asked that, but when women strive for the best, for perfection in their work or life, they are considered a pain in the ass!" THANK YOU!
I often feel like I have to apologize for myself, apologize for giving something my all. And it's not just me! Last weekend I was sitting and waiting for my hair stylist to finish up with the woman before me. She works in one of those buildings that has a small salon rooms rented by people offering different types of hair/spa services. Anyway, as I was sitting there a woman walked past me and I noticed that she was wearing a black pool cover up, that was belted at her waist, her hair was pulled back by a headband and she was tan and I thought looked very pretty. She found the room she was looking for and began talking to her stylist, who told her that she would still be about 10 mins and the woman said she would run down to her car to grab something. As she turned to walk out, she remarked to her stylist "I am so sorry about the way I look, we just came from the pool" and her stylist (who also looked quite pretty) said "oh don't worry about it, you look fine! I look awful- it's hot in here and I have been so busy today!" Here are two women who look absolutely perfect in whatever state they are currently in- so why on earth are they apologizing?
How often do you find yourself saying the exact same thing? I know I do! I have been so busy lately beginning school, getting my son (who has autism) ready for 3rd grade, working, and attending to my own classes that I am often seen in a baseball hat or with zero makeup. Even despite my reason- why should I apologize for doing what I need to do to exist in this world? Baseball hat or no makeup- does that make me any less valuable? It may not be the way I would prefer to look, but it does not negate who I am?
And it's not just the way we look either. I hear women apologize for everything! Which brings me back to my original point and the fact that I apologize for giving things that I feel passionate about my all. I am very organized and my life works better when I have things prepared ahead of time. My husband always tells me that my expectations are too high for other people. Maybe they are, maybe the standards I have for myself aren't what others have for themselves. That is fine, but I am not going to apologize for the standards I have set for myself. I have really come into these standards recently, I will admit that I tried for years to to be seen as laid back and relaxed and in some areas I am, but once I embraced the way I work the best, life got a whole lot less complicated!
I am me. That is all I have been given and I need, WE need to stop apologizing and just be authentic and honest.
Have a beautiful Sunday!
Peace~
Melinda
Anyway- long way to go about saying that I am loving being able to write a blog. Writing has always been an emotional outlet and also I have this section of my brain that I stack ideas in and if I don't get them out, they will get lost in the muddle of my life. So I find inspiration and ideas absolutely everywhere, I am that person who gets up in the middle of the night and writes ideas down on a kleenex box or on my backberry at a stoplight. At home my laptop is not far from me, because I never know what will spark an idea.
Like this morning, I just got up and turned the tv on to see a morning show interviewing Barbra Streisand. I LOVE her! She is an amazing woman and doesn't compromise or apologize for herself, she is authentic and I love and appreciate authentic people. One question that was asked by the reporter was why she felt the need to be such a perfectionist. Babs asked her (I am paraphrasing)- "why do you ask that in such a judgemental way? A man would never be asked that, but when women strive for the best, for perfection in their work or life, they are considered a pain in the ass!" THANK YOU!
I often feel like I have to apologize for myself, apologize for giving something my all. And it's not just me! Last weekend I was sitting and waiting for my hair stylist to finish up with the woman before me. She works in one of those buildings that has a small salon rooms rented by people offering different types of hair/spa services. Anyway, as I was sitting there a woman walked past me and I noticed that she was wearing a black pool cover up, that was belted at her waist, her hair was pulled back by a headband and she was tan and I thought looked very pretty. She found the room she was looking for and began talking to her stylist, who told her that she would still be about 10 mins and the woman said she would run down to her car to grab something. As she turned to walk out, she remarked to her stylist "I am so sorry about the way I look, we just came from the pool" and her stylist (who also looked quite pretty) said "oh don't worry about it, you look fine! I look awful- it's hot in here and I have been so busy today!" Here are two women who look absolutely perfect in whatever state they are currently in- so why on earth are they apologizing?
How often do you find yourself saying the exact same thing? I know I do! I have been so busy lately beginning school, getting my son (who has autism) ready for 3rd grade, working, and attending to my own classes that I am often seen in a baseball hat or with zero makeup. Even despite my reason- why should I apologize for doing what I need to do to exist in this world? Baseball hat or no makeup- does that make me any less valuable? It may not be the way I would prefer to look, but it does not negate who I am?
And it's not just the way we look either. I hear women apologize for everything! Which brings me back to my original point and the fact that I apologize for giving things that I feel passionate about my all. I am very organized and my life works better when I have things prepared ahead of time. My husband always tells me that my expectations are too high for other people. Maybe they are, maybe the standards I have for myself aren't what others have for themselves. That is fine, but I am not going to apologize for the standards I have set for myself. I have really come into these standards recently, I will admit that I tried for years to to be seen as laid back and relaxed and in some areas I am, but once I embraced the way I work the best, life got a whole lot less complicated!
I am me. That is all I have been given and I need, WE need to stop apologizing and just be authentic and honest.
Have a beautiful Sunday!
Peace~
Melinda
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
What do you do?
I have had a terrible day. Absolutely terrible. I won't sugarcoat it for you, having computer issues, people issues, and skin issues. I feel like climbing into bed and staying there until Thursday waves her white flag! It's days like these that I struggle the most with everything! Right now it's 3:45pm and all I have eaten today is a piece of pumpkin bread and some green tea. And absolutely no desire to eat anything more, my body hurts, my mind hurts and my emotions are raw.
I debated writing this post, but to be true to myself and what has become a wonderful following, I felt I needed to write even on the bad days.
So what do you do on one of these days? Really, I want to know. Some people run for the comfort food, some run for the alcohol, and some just run. I think by choosing not to eat I am punishing myself. But this is the hardest part- choosing me over the situation. Realizing that I am more important than what is going on. What does me not eating or taking time for myself or simply walking away from the problem, do? Doesn't solve the problem any faster, I can tell ya that! All it does is hurt my own body and you know what? I deserve a lot more than that.
Sometimes I think we don't allow ourselves to be good to good to our own bodies and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Wishing you and me some peace today....
Melinda
I debated writing this post, but to be true to myself and what has become a wonderful following, I felt I needed to write even on the bad days.
So what do you do on one of these days? Really, I want to know. Some people run for the comfort food, some run for the alcohol, and some just run. I think by choosing not to eat I am punishing myself. But this is the hardest part- choosing me over the situation. Realizing that I am more important than what is going on. What does me not eating or taking time for myself or simply walking away from the problem, do? Doesn't solve the problem any faster, I can tell ya that! All it does is hurt my own body and you know what? I deserve a lot more than that.
Sometimes I think we don't allow ourselves to be good to good to our own bodies and that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Wishing you and me some peace today....
Melinda
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Another year...
Wednesday my miracle baby, Regan Jamie Marie, turned two! She was born just 4 days before I turned 35 and now I share my birthday with my sweet and sassy Princess Punky! I have always been a person who has loved, loved LOVED birthdays- especially mine. My Mom used to tease me because she said I would start planning my birthday right after Christmas- she was probably right.
It wasn't until recently that I began to dread having birthdays- probably due to the fact that I nearing the big 4-0. But the last few days I have been really thinking about what a dramatic shift my life has made in the last two years. It's been huge! I went from being quite a homebody with few friends to having a wonderful and full life with friends, family and activities that capture my attention. And as busy, hectic and tiring my days are- I feel so incredibly blessed! So today is my birthday and rather than dreading growing another year older- I am celebrating my life! Because it is blessed all the way to it's core.
A few nights ago my family was over for the birthday celebrations and my Mom and I were talking about some experiences that I had in life, experiences that she didn't understand at all. I have always been one who pushes buttons, boundaries, limits, etc. That is something my rule following Mother has never understood. In the midst of the discussion she asked me if I had to do it over would I have not done some of the things that (to her) were out of control. And I immediately said no- why would I? All of my experiences, wonderful and tragic have shaped the Melinda I am today. And why should I ever make excuses for the life journey I have had.
So Happy Birthday to ME! I cherish all fun, scary and weird 37 years I have been on this planet. My life is a gift from God and I am doing more and more to love and appreciate all of it's components!
Peace~
Melinda
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