Looking in a mirror

My guest blogger for today is a dear, dear friend from college Christene Catlin.  Christene and I are sorority sisters and she was a huge mentor and saving grace for me during my first two years at Monmouth.  Life has given her some struggles, but none that she hasn't fought through and come up loving life and loving her family.  Here is Christene's post for today!  

I was reading Melinda’s blog about saying enough and I wanted to expand.  I think the hardest thing for women to do is look in a mirror.  First we look to see if we are all put together.  What I mean by this is if you are a mom to small children at the moment you look to see if you have all the appropriate clothing on and then you look at your make-up to see if you completed the task.  Sometimes I have walked out of the house fully clothed but not a lick of make up on.  I usually figure it out when I get to my sitter’s and she asks if I am feeling ok.

However, if we have that rare extra moment to look in the mirror we look again and look for all the imperfections.  How much gray do I have (by the way I really need to wash that right out) or wondering how many  wrinkles I can fit around my eyes.  Normally we though start with our head (why not we have all been head cases at one point or another) and work our way down.  It is when we get down that we look at the “style” of our clothes or the fit of our clothes then the criticism and deprecation of ourselves really begins.  So why do we do this every morning and as Melinda said when do we say enough?

 I have come to realize it starts young and it starts with us ladies.  Let me give you a little background first to what I am talking about.  I am currently a stay-at-home-mom but I use to teach junior high student.  The opportunity of teaching this age group opened my eyes to the “not enough” syndrome.  I had that very feeling growing up: not smart enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough and just over all never meeting what I thought others expected.  I learned early on to apologize early on for what I felt I was failing at because I could never quite meet those expectations.  It is a pit fall that is very hard to avoid.  I find myself dealing with trying not inflicting those feeling on my 8year old son but still encouraging him to do better.  (Does this mean what he is doing is not enough now?? – I struggle with this)

Teaching junior high students opened my eyes to the cycle we fall prey to at an early age by society, our peer s and yes our family.  I watched girls starve themselves because they didn’t look like the magazine covers, or boys try to do more than they were capable of doing just to show they were better.  I always questioned them and asked why they felt they weren’t enough for themselves.  None could ever give me an answer because they see it in terms of: I want to be popular or stronger or smarter.  When did an A- become not enough or a size 5 not small enough?

Scripture helps me find peace and I have tried to find the passage I am looking for but I am unable.  However it speaks of being created in God’s own image.  Scripture also talks about God seeing the beauty we carry in us.  I am not saying I am succeeding in this but I try every day to be enough for God.  I try to accept who I am because only when I can do that can God and others truly love me and see me for who I am.

So here I am ladies in all my glory – I have more gray hairs than I can count, I am two sizes bigger than I was when I got pregnant, I have a scar that travels from my navel to by pelvic bone, my legs are covered in varicose veins and a little hairy , around my eyes I have dark circles that never seem to go away and my teeth are yellow.  So what am I going to do I am going to eat better to lose weight, maybe dye my hair and I will find a whitener for my teeth.  The other things I will have to live with and accept because I refuse to seek medical procedures to get rid of them.  

In the end, though I also know that God loves me no matter what so for today  I will remember Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)^{34 "}Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Thank you my friend, so beautifully said!  

Peace~

Melinda

Phenomenal Woman...

The following is an email I received from a wonderful, amazing woman.  Rory and I met about a year ago when we ventured into a social justice class being offered at our church.  She also joined our Moms group as well.  Now we have added another venture to our friendship- starting our 7Sisters nonprofit group.   She lifts me up, keeps me going and always keeps me laughing.  Thanks for letting me share this email Rory!

So I've been meaning to write you about your blog. But it seems that when I actually have a few minutes I either try to get some breathing room or chisel the goo off of my children.

To begin, you're such a beatiful writer. I love reading everything you write, even the 7Sisters agendas, and I'm so glad you're doing this blog.

I've been struggling with weight issues for a while and I was thinking about writing a blog that began with finding a picture of myself. Ever have those days when you you're doing your makeup and hair in the mirror and thinking "Lookin' good..." and then a picture that someone takes just snaps you back into reality? In mine I look strangely like Sasquatch. No really. I even looked up the picture on the Internet and although mine was fairly clear -- Bad posture? Check. Extra wild hair? Check.  Intimidating girth? Oh. Yeah.

And so I've put off doing so many things because of my weight. Swimming lessons for the kids? Forced myself this year. But I won't take them to Elitch's or Water World (which for my pasty self isn't such a bad thing). Sewing some outfits? (Don't ask.) I look like I'm saving up for the apocalypse with linen, stretch jersey and some mighty fine silks. But I can't possibly make them until I lose weight.

And so I thought about a tongue-in-cheek view of my weight, called Sassy Sasquatch, Sew-Sew Sasquatch or Squalling Sasquatch. Heavy on the self deprication, complete with unflattering photos. You get the idea. And then I had a conversation with my daughter where she was upset because everyone keeps telling her she's tall and skinny. So, I had to console my daughter about being our society's supposed ideal. And It just seems so incredibly tragic to me that it doesn't matter what a girl, teen or woman looks like, someone is still telling them it's not right. My daughter is seven and has already alternated between too skinny, too fat, just... too.

I have a gorgeous friend who is somewhere around a size two. Maybe on three days she feels "bloated." She constantly tears herself apart and I've told her that every time she tears herself down around me, I'm charging her a dollar, and when we have enough money, we're going to D-Bar, which serves primarily desserts.

And so that l'il rant leads me back to you. I think it was a squiggly line. I love how you just own yourself and who you are. There are no apologies. And at least in public, I don't hear you tear yourself down. And so I'm so glad you're going to make this journey for yourself and your kids and that sassy little granddaughter that one day you're going to spoil rotten.

Here's a poem that I love by Maya Angelou that you and your post made me think of.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

Amen Rory.  Thank you for your wit, I swear it will get us through many a tough time.  Couldn't do it without you sister!

Peace~

Melinda

Enough!

This morning I received an email from a dear friend that brought me to tears.  It was so moving that I am hoping she will allow me to post it on my blog.  Anyway, after reading the email at 5am I had burst of thoughts- which usually happens to me and then I have nothing to write on.  But this morning I had my blackberry close by and started typing myself a reminder.

So many people can tell you so many awful things about yourself- that is what usually happens to me.  But in an instance one woman brought me to tears.  Tears about the way we, as women, completely tear ourselves apart- no matter what size we are.  As if somehow we will never be.... enough.

Our daughters begin at an extremely young age ripping themselves to shreds because they are not enough.  As teenagers we really feel at all times that we are never enough.  And as young women we starve ourselves because we have to be enough in order to find a mate, in fact we base our entire self worth on being enough.  Then as wives and mothers we may let "ourselves go" because other must come first  and even in the midst of marital or motherhood bliss, we punish ourselves for not being who we think we "ought to be".

I say it's ENOUGH!

I have spent my whole life on this planet punishing myself for not being enough.  It's time for me to end it.  It's time for all of us to end it.  I am more than enough.  I am the only Melinda Marie there will ever be and if I weren't enough, than God would never have breathed life into me and said "this is your life my child and I have made you in my image and that image is perfection."

Have you reached the point where you feel you are more than enough?  When are we going to stop punishing ourselves to look a certain way and decide instead that we need to keep our bodies healthy- whatever that number on the scale happens to be.  When are we going to love the arms that hold our children, embrace our spouse?  When are we going to love the stretch marks that developed because we brought a child into this world?  All of those imperfections we see in the mirror are the marks of a life lived.  And shouldn't we be grateful that we have lived that life?

 I think it's time.

Peace~
Melinda

To burn or not to burn...

OUT, I mean.  I am doing my best to balance and some days it is easier than others.  Yesterday, for instance, you all got to see my anxious, irritated self.  So after Kitty's decision to quit, I fumed for quite a while- actually into this morning!  Then a dear friend of mine told me to let it go, if I didn't do it, someone else would.  And she was right!  I got a volunteer to do the job our group needed to get done.  Viola!

So in balance of life I have to add in the very important factor of relationships.  Friendships especially.  My friends keep me SANE!  I went for many years without very many friends, which for an extrovert of my caliber is like death.  But I have come back to my roots and realized I need these people in my life!  I have a group of people who keep me afloat and repeatedly lift me up and tell me that I need to keep pushing forward.  I thank God every day for these people.

On the flip side of that I have had to realize that there are some people that I have had to let go.  They don't do anything to further the growth of my life and basically suck all the life out of me with the drama they insist on having.  And I just simply cannot allow that much drama into my life.  That is not to say that things don't happen that create issues that are unexpected and tragic and must be dealt with.  But I can't live at that level on a regular basis.

So the other change I made in the last 24 hours to lower my stress level?  First I started my daughter on the parenting program 1-2-3 Magic and it requires the parent not to talk and not to allow emotions to enter while you are disciplining.  That is SO hard for me.  I come from a long line of Irish matriarchs that yell, all the time.  And I had determined that I was not going to be that Mom and lookey here- I turned out to yell just as much if not more than my Mother did!  So much for wishful thinking.   My goal for balance with my kids is to use this parenting program and not to yell, become stressed, have an aneurysm and die!  I say that in jest, but my anger level could have reached out of control levels if I let it and I cherish my children and they need to feel that this home is there safe place.

Wow, as I write I am beginning to see how many more levels and facets there are to keeping myself healthy that just putting down the M&M's!  Do you have any stress triggers that keep you from being a balanced person?  And what can you do to get rid of them?

Here's to peace my friends!  We all deserve it!

Melinda

I guess I do...

Short post today.  I have discovered I do have some triggers when it comes to food!  I have been paying attention to my food intake and more importantly how feel when I go to eat.  I believe I have discussed my anxiety issue before and people trigger it easily.  Certain people more than others.

So last night as I was getting ready for bed I saw the red light on my blackberry blinking and picked it up seeing that I had an email.  It was from a person that I have had difficulties with over the past year and we have butt heads a few times, but I felt like we had gotten over that.  For purposes of this post we will call her "Kitty".  The email from Kitty indicated that she could no longer carry out a responsibility she had to a group I am in and dumped it right in my lap.  Her reason?  Her kids were sick.  So this "job" she had for our group (which takes a max of 15 mins a MONTH to complete) is too much for her because her kids are sick.

Immediately after reading the email I was completely pissed off!  I didn't respond, I have at least learned not to respond when I am angry, but I did proceed to eat some wheat thin and string cheese at 11pm!  This morning I was still fuming about it and I am noticing it is causing me to have a massive headache and have spent the last 12 hours just plain mad!  And I am still trying to dissect why?  Is it because I want her to be more part of the group?  Nope, would actually rather she leave.  Because we have had issues in the past?  Nope, I am over those.  So why was I so mad?   My Mother told me I was being handed a bouquet of roses from God and I was pushing them away.

Probably a more important question is why am I allowing Kitty's actions to dictate my behavior?  She doesn't live my life and I don't live hers.   This may have been her delicate way to exit our group, which is fine.

I am so incredibly frustrated today and can't seem to let go or calm down enough to sort through them.   I am frustrated that I allow a person I have know for about 2 years to control so much of my behavior.  But how to get out of it?

Well I am off to figure out how.

Peace~
Melinda

The voice you listen to...

"All too often we bemoan our imperfections rather than embrace them as part of the process in which we are brought to God. Cherished emptiness gives God space in which to work. We are pure capacity for God. Let us not, then, take our littleness lightly. It is a wonderful grace. It is a gift to receive. At the same time, let us not get trapped in the confines of our littleness, but keep pushing on to claim our greatness. Remind yourself often, “I am pure capacity for God; I can be more.”

- Macrina Wiederkehr from A Tree Full of Angels

I have been thinking a lot this week about what voice I listen to.  Is it my own self talk or do I listen too much to others and therefore it becomes ingrained into my psyche and that is all I hear?  I have several things that brought this forward this week.  One is the quote above from The Sojourners daily email that I receive.  I think it is interesting that God gives us unlimited capacity to learn and grow and become who we were meant to be, but yet we, as humans, limit ourselves so much!  Why?  God has basically given us the world- literally he has given us the world.  So why is it most of us don't take it?  I certainly have limited myself to my square corner.  I am wondering if it is because we don't understand the limitless capacity that God has.  That as humans we cannot physically imagine all of that goodness, that greatness that lies within all of us.

Secondly, I have gotten some ideas from the first class I am taking in my online quest to obtain my  paralegal degree.  It is called "Strategies for Success" and basically it is for those of us who haven't been in school for 15 years, etc.  We have a series of videos to watch and they are done by a man named Lou Tice, I will admit when I first starting listening to Lou I rolled my eyes.  He is obviously a motivational speaker and those kind of speakers normally make me gag with their fluffy rhetoric.  But after 3 weeks, Lou has me hooked.  The video I watched yesterday was about self talk and how our self talk becomes either negative or positive.  Lou said that when we replay negative speech or situations in our mind, it becomes a part of us.  Interesting.  So for the past 24 hours I have been listening to how I talk to myself and what situations I tend to replay.  And in that time I have begun to switch my self talk to only positive things and despite my eye rolling at Lou's advice- he's right.  I can tell the change in my attitude today.  I don't think I will instantly stop being a worrier or that my inner anxiety will change, but just since starting this blog and determining that this is the new path that I WILL walk has changed my habits.

Lastly, I was watching the All-Star game Tuesday and yes I was thrilled that the NL finally won after a 14 year drought and that when the Rockies when the division and then the pennett, the first game of the World Series this year will be played in Colorado.  Yes I believe in Rocktober!  But what caught me was a song that was sung at the beginning of the game, a song I have heard many times and disregarded (no not the Star Spangled Banner) but a song by Christine Aguilera "Beautiful".  A song she obviously wrote as a young woman for women and maybe for their own self talk.  

So these are the things I am thinking about today- God's limitless love for us, my own self talk and how I can begin to practice changing that.  

But to keep you up to date with my weekly goals- I have been able to eat three meals a day this whole week- healthy meals.  I have stopped snacking after 9pm, but I have not made the walks or yoga yet.  I am going to rearrange my school schedule and fit these items in.  

A new goal- to allow the greatness that God has planned for me unfold within.  Maybe that should be your goal too?  What is holding you back?

Peace-

Melinda

Well it's Monday...

Don't you always feel like you are only responsible for what happens Monday through Friday?  I do.  The weekend was good, Saturday was very fun, drank a bit too much wine Saturday night, I don't have an excuse- I like wine and I was hanging out with some great friends!

So last night I did not have a thing to eat after 9pm, YAY!  That is the good news, the bad would be that I only slept 4 hours because my back was really hurting, which today has resulted me having a migraine and hopped up on muscle relaxers...  Nice way to start the week.

I was thinking about my Grandma this morning, she passed away this past April.  In March '09, she insisted we take a picture when my sister was in town with her two boys.  She wanted a picture of her with all 3 generations of Cudneys, just reminded me of how fierce her love for all of us was.  Now I have that picture on my desk and my two year old was just looking at it and pointing at my Grandma, it made me incredibly sad, which caught me off guard.  My Grandma was so delighted when Punky was born, everyone was!  We didn't think we'd have a girl since we are in eternal boy land.  It breaks my heart knowing she would have loved to see P grow up and wear cute dresses, learn to swim, ride bikes and be a girl.

I am always interested in emotional triggers that cause overeating or emotional eating.  I never have thought I had any of those.  Have you?  Usually when I get depressed or anxious I cry and stop eating, which isn't good either.  So I am working on trying to look inside myself and figure out what my triggers are.  For everything- not just eating.  I am naturally an anxious person, I always feel the need to be in control and have a very hard time when things get out of control  So if that is true- how did I let my weight and health get out of control?  I really don't understand that part.

I am also learning to listen to myself a bit better.  I have a dear friend from college and she has always guided her life based on her instinct, she listens to herself and her spirit guides her.  I have always admired that about her.  She doesn't try to control that part of her and I do.  When my first child was born, my Grandma had given me the beat advice, which was to listen to myself, to my instinct as a Mother.  My friend and my Grandma were very similar in that manner.  I hope I can begin to listen to my inner voice and trust it rather than allow everyone else's voices tell me what is right for me.

We'll see how that goes.

Peace, Melinda

And here I go...

So here goes...everything!  I have many inspirations to take this journey, my husband, my children, but the biggest and most important would be myself.  I feel pretty selfish saying that.  I think as mothers or women, we are trained that we come last.  We get up at the crack of dawn to take a shower and get ready so that there is time to dress and feed the kids.  We go without in order for our kids to have what they need.

I have very few things I feel like I own, so I guess the purpose here is to say that I am going to own my body.  Own the shape it has become, but own the fact that things have to change and then I will own the right to feel good about myself.  This is not to say that everyone must be a size 2 in order to be valued- everyone has value as a child of God and as a part of humanity.  So it shouldn't matter what size your jeans say or what the number on the scale is, you have value.  I HAVE VALUE!  But I know that I am not healthy and I do not take care of myself and I am not whole.

I have spent the last calendar year trying to decide what career field to enter and to get there, what school I needed to attend.  It has taken me an entire year to figure all of that out and begin.  I did research, talked to friends and made sure the school I would be attending would be one of the best.  So why wouldn't I want the best for my body?  Why, why, why....  That is the eternal and unanswerable question- for now.  Maybe I'll come to an answer, guess we'll have to wait and see.

So just as I have set goals for my education and career, I will attempt to set some for my own personal self. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  I will decide what is right for me.  I have this problem (as do most of us) of looking at friends and even strangers and somehow think they have it all figured out!  Being a size 2 must be happiness!  Yes, I must strive to be a size 2!  Running a marathon must be my goal!  Yes, I must run a marathon!  Those might realistic goals for somebody, but they aren't for me.  A. I am almost 5'9", if I were a size 2 you would be able to count my ribs!  B.  I don't like running or being sweaty or being in the sun!  In fact I have always said I would only run if someone were chasing me with a knife.  So why would I strive to be like someone else?  There is only one of me, so shouldn't I love me?

Don't get me wrong, I am taking this seriously.  This is the war of my life and I know that.  I am 36 years old and I want to see 40.  I want to see my kids graduate from high school and get married.  I want to see my daughter have a child (mostly so I can see if it's true that she will have a child as challenging as she is! But that is another blog...).  I want to put a swimsuit on and go to the beach one day.  I want to be the woman who loves having her picture taken again.  I want my husband to look at me like there isn't anyone more beautiful than me.  I want my daughter to have a healthy self-esteem and love herself.  I want to LIVE!

So for this week I have a few goals I would like to meet.  Goal 1- make sure I eat three healthy meals a day and no snacking after 9pm.  Goal 2- begin doing some simple yoga or pilates 3 x a week (this is actually more doctor's orders- yep, I am a stressed out, over committed mother!) Goal 3- take a walk around the block with my dog 3 days this week.  That's it for this week.

I invite you to post your comments about your own struggles with all of these issues.  I look forward to walking this journey and I have faith that I will become the person I want to see in the mirror.

Peace, Melinda