Short post today. I have discovered I do have some triggers when it comes to food! I have been paying attention to my food intake and more importantly how feel when I go to eat. I believe I have discussed my anxiety issue before and people trigger it easily. Certain people more than others.
So last night as I was getting ready for bed I saw the red light on my blackberry blinking and picked it up seeing that I had an email. It was from a person that I have had difficulties with over the past year and we have butt heads a few times, but I felt like we had gotten over that. For purposes of this post we will call her "Kitty". The email from Kitty indicated that she could no longer carry out a responsibility she had to a group I am in and dumped it right in my lap. Her reason? Her kids were sick. So this "job" she had for our group (which takes a max of 15 mins a MONTH to complete) is too much for her because her kids are sick.
Immediately after reading the email I was completely pissed off! I didn't respond, I have at least learned not to respond when I am angry, but I did proceed to eat some wheat thin and string cheese at 11pm! This morning I was still fuming about it and I am noticing it is causing me to have a massive headache and have spent the last 12 hours just plain mad! And I am still trying to dissect why? Is it because I want her to be more part of the group? Nope, would actually rather she leave. Because we have had issues in the past? Nope, I am over those. So why was I so mad? My Mother told me I was being handed a bouquet of roses from God and I was pushing them away.
Probably a more important question is why am I allowing Kitty's actions to dictate my behavior? She doesn't live my life and I don't live hers. This may have been her delicate way to exit our group, which is fine.
I am so incredibly frustrated today and can't seem to let go or calm down enough to sort through them. I am frustrated that I allow a person I have know for about 2 years to control so much of my behavior. But how to get out of it?
Well I am off to figure out how.
Peace~
Melinda
5 comments:
I know this is an old post, but I just now found your blog and what you wrote struck a cord with me. I have often found myself in the place you were in with "Kitty". What I try to do is take myself out of the equation (which is not easy). Maybe life is too big for Kitty right now and getting rid of even a small task helps tremendously. Maybe she didn't enjoy the group and this was the easy way out without hurting anyone's feelings. Maybe it was work gone unappreciated from her viewpoint. Who knows? But I know that I have "bailed" on things, and disappointed others, but I always had my reasons. Let it go (which by now you probably have done).
I am working on it. I know that I have such high expectations for myself and I expect the same from other people- and I shouldn't. I don't think I would have been nearly upset with her actions had she and I not had issues in the past. Her actions in this instance made me feel as though she had no consideration for me or for a group we both had worked very hard on. But you are right, I suspect it was her delicate way of getting out the group, which is fine. And no we cannot be everything to everyone, life just doesn't work that way!
Thanks for your comment!
I love the comment about God and roses. You know there's truth there, right? Keep on keeping on!
I do know that Mer, I do. I guess it's just not the way I pictured the situation being. So maybe I need to stop trying to please everyone cause it's never gonna happen- ever.
And I hate it when my Mother is right. ;)
If I framed this situation in a break-up scenerio this is what it might look like...I wanted to break up, but he beat me to it, so I'd be upset. For me, I want to be the one to do the undoing. I want to be in control.
There is a bunch of other things too,self value, rejection, etc... Feelings sometimes are that broken record in our mind, bondage that we must break. I have a paranoid voice that tells me ugly things about people and what they think of me - untrue. When they come, look at them and say - there you are...then push them away! That's from 4 years of therapy (yours for free).
I am so much like you! I read in one of your blogs about being lonely for years. The extrovert in me needs reassurance...I'm always here if you need an ear! Love ya!
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