It appears I have hit one of those bumps in the road we often run into. Right now mine feels like a 12ft brick wall, but you get the idea. We dropped our son off at Boy Scout camp on Sunday and he will be there until Saturday. He has never been away from home this long without us and it has been ROUGH! He called Monday morning and I didn't recognize the number so I hit the big red "decline" button. Big mistake. When I checked the voicemail, I heard my sweet child sobbing and begging me to call me back. It was brutal. I desperately tried to call back right away, but it was a pay phone and I kept getting a busy signal. So I spent Monday crying and experiencing the worst Mom guilt ever known to motherhood. But he hasn't called back, so I'm sure he is fine, but my heart still aches. I never knew you could miss someone so much.
This is really a time of flux and change in our family and I'm not big on change. I know the whole "theory" about the only constant in life is change- but I am not a fan. Today my little baby girl went to Vacation Bible School for the first time. She has been waiting to go since she could talk and voice her displeasure that her brother got to go, but she didn't. So it's been a week of growing up and changing for my kids and a week of tears and pleading with God for more time with them for me. And it is only Tuesday....
Tuesday is my weigh-in and meeting day and it seems my streak continued. I managed to gain 6 lbs in one week! How exactly does one manage to do that? I had never been an emotional eater, in fact in the past if I was upset I would just stop eating. So I am trying to be more aware of my emotional eating, but I am still trying to absorb (no pun intended) how exactly I put on 6 freaking pounds?? That is basically one pound a day!
But I am taking a deep breath and realizing that tomorrow is a new day. I don't know what caused ALL of those six pounds to jump back on my hiney and all I can do is recommit to myself. Recommit to the things I know work for me, tracking the food I eat, the activity I do and know that God is walking next to me on the journey. And I need to remember that He loves my son more than I ever could and when I can't put my arms around him and tell him he is going to be ok, Jesus is sitting right next to him up the beautiful Colorado Rocky Mountains and filling his heart with peace and keeping him safe.
But don't get me wrong, come Saturday morning I will be racing up to the camp to pick up my boy and by that night all will be right in Castle Howard.
Peace~
Melinda
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Ready to make nice?
I am strong believer that God brings things to your heart or mind when you are ready to receive them. Some people may look at that as Him nudging you in that direction, for me it usually takes a 2x4 over the head! I have some situations with two people I had been friends with in the past and I/we ended our friendship abruptly for one reason or another. But in the past few days the way these relationships ended is really weighing on my heart and as much as I have tried to brush it aside, things keep coming up that remind me of these people.
Maybe the reason it is weighing so heavy is because I have come to realize my part in the friendship ending. I am very much aware that in a disagreement such as these were, that it takes two to tango and that I can only own my part of what happened. But I am having the most difficult time trying to swallow my pride in order to contact these people and sort out what happened and sincerely apologize for my part in hurting the other person.
The other issue is this, what if I reach out and apologize for my part and then my olive branch is unreceived? What do I do with that? I continue to think and pray about this, because I feel it is something I need to attend to, but I am honestly scared of what the reaction would be.
Peace
~Melinda
Maybe the reason it is weighing so heavy is because I have come to realize my part in the friendship ending. I am very much aware that in a disagreement such as these were, that it takes two to tango and that I can only own my part of what happened. But I am having the most difficult time trying to swallow my pride in order to contact these people and sort out what happened and sincerely apologize for my part in hurting the other person.
The other issue is this, what if I reach out and apologize for my part and then my olive branch is unreceived? What do I do with that? I continue to think and pray about this, because I feel it is something I need to attend to, but I am honestly scared of what the reaction would be.
Peace
~Melinda
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
How do you get over the "supposed to be's"?
I struggle a lot with how things are "supposed to be", I think all of us do. And maybe some people handle it better than others, I am a major type A personality so "It's not fair" has been ingrained into my psyche forever. I think people who know me well know that I have a bleeding heart for just about everyone in need and not much compassion for those in power to help those in need who turn a blind eye or for those who feel they have a right to sit in judgement of others. But it is a constant inner struggle and argument with God about how things are "supposed to be" and why they aren't.
I have yet to learn what I know many people whose faith astounds me have learned, that God will and does take care of things in his time. I somehow feel He needs my help to speed things along, yeah I am sure the creator of the universe needs MY help!
I can only speak for my reality and what I know on a daily basis, but lately I have been having such an incredibly hard time with the journey I am choosing to be on (and quite often falling off that path) and where everyone else is in life. I live quite near the area I grew up in and actually not far from the high school I went to, in fact if we don't move from this neighborhood my children will go to the same high school I went to (not thrilled with that...). But some good friends and I affectionately and not so affectionately refer to this area as "the bubble", because it feels to us that many (although not all!) people who have chosen to live here act like they live in this special world where nothing bad can penetrate and that we can all put blinders on to the reality of the rest of the world.
Which brings me back to my struggle of how things are "supposed to be". I was thinking about how our house needs some work done on it and how it will not get done right now due to money and that frustrates me because I would hate for people in our neighborhood or visitors to judge the outside of my house or even some aspects of the inside as not being perfect enough. Our house is supposed to be painted, we are supposed to have a new front door, we are supposed to have two cars instead of one, I am supposed to have a perfectly manicured yard and beautiful swing set for my children to play on, I am supposed to be working out an hour everyday and eating only carrots and water for meals so I look like the perfect model of a bubble mother/wife.
It's the comparing that I get into that I really should stop most of all. It is SO damaging to my soul and spirit. I am just living this life that God gave me with this family in the house at this time in my life. I need to stop and remember that the only thing I am supposed to be doing is loving Him, my neighbor and helping my fellow womankind on this earth. I think if we all took a glimpse inside someone else's world for a bit during a not-so-good time we'd not only give the other person a break, but also give ourselves that much needed break as well.
I pray that you would be as kind to yourself and a stranger today that might be struggling as you would to your dearest friend who needed some help and love today.
Peace Always
~Melinda
I have yet to learn what I know many people whose faith astounds me have learned, that God will and does take care of things in his time. I somehow feel He needs my help to speed things along, yeah I am sure the creator of the universe needs MY help!
I can only speak for my reality and what I know on a daily basis, but lately I have been having such an incredibly hard time with the journey I am choosing to be on (and quite often falling off that path) and where everyone else is in life. I live quite near the area I grew up in and actually not far from the high school I went to, in fact if we don't move from this neighborhood my children will go to the same high school I went to (not thrilled with that...). But some good friends and I affectionately and not so affectionately refer to this area as "the bubble", because it feels to us that many (although not all!) people who have chosen to live here act like they live in this special world where nothing bad can penetrate and that we can all put blinders on to the reality of the rest of the world.
Which brings me back to my struggle of how things are "supposed to be". I was thinking about how our house needs some work done on it and how it will not get done right now due to money and that frustrates me because I would hate for people in our neighborhood or visitors to judge the outside of my house or even some aspects of the inside as not being perfect enough. Our house is supposed to be painted, we are supposed to have a new front door, we are supposed to have two cars instead of one, I am supposed to have a perfectly manicured yard and beautiful swing set for my children to play on, I am supposed to be working out an hour everyday and eating only carrots and water for meals so I look like the perfect model of a bubble mother/wife.
It's the comparing that I get into that I really should stop most of all. It is SO damaging to my soul and spirit. I am just living this life that God gave me with this family in the house at this time in my life. I need to stop and remember that the only thing I am supposed to be doing is loving Him, my neighbor and helping my fellow womankind on this earth. I think if we all took a glimpse inside someone else's world for a bit during a not-so-good time we'd not only give the other person a break, but also give ourselves that much needed break as well.
I pray that you would be as kind to yourself and a stranger today that might be struggling as you would to your dearest friend who needed some help and love today.
Peace Always
~Melinda
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Heart breaks..
Part of being healthy is being a healthy Mom. But being a parent has been the hardest and most wonderful thing I have ever done. Right now, I am watching a talk show about bullying, it's mainly about the 4 teenagers who have committed suicide recently for being bullied and teased for being gay. This has been a subject that hits home right now. My 9 year old son was bullied a few weeks ago, not because of a sexual orientation issue, but because of an misunderstanding on the playground. My son was followed into a bathroom, trapped and punched by another 3rd grader! Fortunately, he told his teacher immediately and the offender was dealt with extremely harshly and I am grateful for that.
The hardest thing as a Mom is to know that you can only protect your child so far. And that is terrifying. My son was diagnosed with Autism at 3 and he has been in therapies since 2, I have so much time and love and heartache invested in this person that I cannot fathom anyone not wanting to love him instantly. I doubt I feel any different about my children than anyone else does about their children.
We have had so many conversations recently about keeping himself safe, etc. I have never wanted to be a helicopter parent, but what else is there? How else can I protect my child when he is away from me for 7 hours a day?
I could not imagine how much pain the parents and family members of the children who have ended their lives must be in. They are in my heart and in my prayers. Let's teach and model kindness and compassion, not hate and fear. Let's model love and acceptance towards others as parents, your kids are watching....very closely.
Peace to all of us...
~Melinda
The hardest thing as a Mom is to know that you can only protect your child so far. And that is terrifying. My son was diagnosed with Autism at 3 and he has been in therapies since 2, I have so much time and love and heartache invested in this person that I cannot fathom anyone not wanting to love him instantly. I doubt I feel any different about my children than anyone else does about their children.
We have had so many conversations recently about keeping himself safe, etc. I have never wanted to be a helicopter parent, but what else is there? How else can I protect my child when he is away from me for 7 hours a day?
I could not imagine how much pain the parents and family members of the children who have ended their lives must be in. They are in my heart and in my prayers. Let's teach and model kindness and compassion, not hate and fear. Let's model love and acceptance towards others as parents, your kids are watching....very closely.
Peace to all of us...
~Melinda
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Falling and failing...
ARRRGGGGHHHH!!! I am so frustrated with myself! I wanted to be so faithful to this blog and my followers and to this process, but I feel I am completely failing at all of it! I was talking to a good friend of mine this morning, we both have the same mindset about commitment and the precious time we have. I commented to her that lately I had been hanging back before committing to something, because it seems I have been saying 'yes' to something and then not following through and I can't stand that!!!! It is a very annoying quality in others and I really don't like doing that in my life. So when I commit, I COM-MIT! which is why my lack of blogging and caring for myself has once again slid right to the back.
And when I say back, I don't mean back burner, I mean literally to my back! I generally carry my stress in my shoulders and my neck and it seems to have crept back in and landed me in urgent care with my neck and arms in some sort of pretzel looking stance. So back to PT I head and back to feeling sorry for myself, which leads to my non-committal self.....
I have to make some steps forward, for myself and for my family. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my husband's heart attack and it just stunned me that it feels like in five years we haven't made any changes to our lives! And that scares the sh!t out of me! My husband almost DIED and yet what have I done to change anything? My best friend's husband DIED because of a weight-related issue and what have I done? I am tired of falling and tired of failing. So for today, I may crawl in a corner and ponder what to do next.... But tomorrow I need to make the commitment to change a sincere commitment. Tomorrow I will be hoping and changing.
Peace~
Melinda
And when I say back, I don't mean back burner, I mean literally to my back! I generally carry my stress in my shoulders and my neck and it seems to have crept back in and landed me in urgent care with my neck and arms in some sort of pretzel looking stance. So back to PT I head and back to feeling sorry for myself, which leads to my non-committal self.....
I have to make some steps forward, for myself and for my family. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my husband's heart attack and it just stunned me that it feels like in five years we haven't made any changes to our lives! And that scares the sh!t out of me! My husband almost DIED and yet what have I done to change anything? My best friend's husband DIED because of a weight-related issue and what have I done? I am tired of falling and tired of failing. So for today, I may crawl in a corner and ponder what to do next.... But tomorrow I need to make the commitment to change a sincere commitment. Tomorrow I will be hoping and changing.
Peace~
Melinda
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Self Love
I had to share this poem written by Rev. Sheila A.Johnson. She is the Mother of a high school friend, who is blogging her journey through divorce. Rev. Johnson has encapsulated everything I feel about self-image and how I am learning to love what God has given me! I hope her writing will speak to your heart, the way it has spoken to mine.
Thank you Michelle for allowing to share such beautiful writing!
http://www.michellefox.com/2010/08/self-love/
Peace-
Melinda
Thank you Michelle for allowing to share such beautiful writing!
http://www.michellefox.com/2010/08/self-love/
Peace-
Melinda
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