So I took a hiatus...yes a long one. The last 18 months of my life have been less than fun. I started to write about all the fun medical procedures I have been through, but does anybody really want to rehash that? I certainly don't. It sucked, I had three surgeries within a 4 month span, spent months in pain and now I am making my way back. I joined Weight Watchers back in April, it is a plan that has always worked for me and it continues to work for me. But this time, it is not about vanity. Now I am not saying I am not dying to be able to walk into any store and pick out a pair of skinny jeans and a seriously cute pair of boots and marvel at myself in a three way mirror, because I am! But this past 18 months showed me more than anything that, I am, in fact, actually mortal. I will die one day! I just don't want it to be today. I have an 11 year old son and 4 year old daughter and I am turning 40 in exactly 49 days (that is a blog for another day!) and I don't want to live in this body anymore. I want to be strong and healthy. I don't want to be the 24 year old, 5'9", 140lb version of me- don't get me wrong, she was damn cute. I want to be the healthy 40 year old version of me. So anyway, that is that.
So far I have lost 14 lbs and 8 1/2 inches. I can feel how different this time around is for me. I am in this for the long haul, I am committed more that I ever have been. I find myself looking forward to learning more about how the body works and how I can improve how mine works. I have never been one that likes getting sweaty and hot and dirty- ask anyone who knows me, I will avoid dirt and heat at all costs. But I now find myself looking for challenges, they are small ones right now, but it is a start. I see inspiration all around me. I have an amazing friend who has survived cancer twice and has now recreated a healthy life for herself and she just doesn't quit. I have other friends who run marathons regularly, lift weights just to improve how strong they physically are and continually push themselves everyday physically. I honestly think God has placed these women all around me on purpose- there is NO escaping them! They are everyday reminders of what I hope to achieve and have been my constant supporters, I am so grateful for them.
So I'm back. Can't say I will be perfect at this journey, no one ever is. But I am giving it my all and I am slowly working my way back to being healthy and to figuring out who I am and what my health journey is. And it won't look like anyone else's...cause God only made one Melinda and she isn't a quitter- so watch out world!
Peace~
Melinda
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Monday, November 1, 2010
It isn't just me....
I have been watching Portia de Rossi speak about her journey with her weight, health, self-image and her sexuality. Listening to her read portions of her book make my heart break. I look at this incredibly beautiful, smart successful woman who says the same thing inside of her head that I say in mine! Her battle with herself is absolutely no different that mine!
She tells a story about how she was trying on suits to be the new Loreal face and when she realized she was a size 8, she was devastated. This last year I know that I have gained back some weight that I worked so hard to lose and I hate myself for it. I saw a picture of myself from this weekend with my beautiful little girl and I sat for 30 mins last night comparing it to a picture taken of she and I last Christmas and I could tell there was a difference in my face. What am I doing???
I have two friends in particular who have gone through life shattering situations, things that could absolutely break a person. But these two women haven't! And I know they have both had moments that were deep and dark when they didn't think they would see the end of this struggle, but they did! I sit in awe of these two women and wonder where that strength came from and how can I tap into that?
Tears are running down my face faster than I can stop them. Hopefully I won't electrocute myself from shorting out my laptop! I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE! I have plans! I have things I desperately want to do, but I know I can't like this, which just brings on more fear and more tears. I am absolutely paralyzed by this fear right now.
I am not saying I have not had to struggle and fight for things, but I think this part is so much harder than everything else I have ever done.
I look at Portia in awe, she made it through. My dear friends have made it through and I thank God everyday that they are where they are in their lives. But why can't I get there? Why? I feel like a failure to myself, my family, my friends, to the point of this blog. I honestly don't know what I thought I was doing when I set out to do this... I thought maybe I could help someone. I thought maybe I could force myself out of this.
So where do I go from here.....?
She tells a story about how she was trying on suits to be the new Loreal face and when she realized she was a size 8, she was devastated. This last year I know that I have gained back some weight that I worked so hard to lose and I hate myself for it. I saw a picture of myself from this weekend with my beautiful little girl and I sat for 30 mins last night comparing it to a picture taken of she and I last Christmas and I could tell there was a difference in my face. What am I doing???
I have two friends in particular who have gone through life shattering situations, things that could absolutely break a person. But these two women haven't! And I know they have both had moments that were deep and dark when they didn't think they would see the end of this struggle, but they did! I sit in awe of these two women and wonder where that strength came from and how can I tap into that?
Tears are running down my face faster than I can stop them. Hopefully I won't electrocute myself from shorting out my laptop! I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE! I have plans! I have things I desperately want to do, but I know I can't like this, which just brings on more fear and more tears. I am absolutely paralyzed by this fear right now.
I am not saying I have not had to struggle and fight for things, but I think this part is so much harder than everything else I have ever done.
I look at Portia in awe, she made it through. My dear friends have made it through and I thank God everyday that they are where they are in their lives. But why can't I get there? Why? I feel like a failure to myself, my family, my friends, to the point of this blog. I honestly don't know what I thought I was doing when I set out to do this... I thought maybe I could help someone. I thought maybe I could force myself out of this.
So where do I go from here.....?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Ready to make nice?
I am strong believer that God brings things to your heart or mind when you are ready to receive them. Some people may look at that as Him nudging you in that direction, for me it usually takes a 2x4 over the head! I have some situations with two people I had been friends with in the past and I/we ended our friendship abruptly for one reason or another. But in the past few days the way these relationships ended is really weighing on my heart and as much as I have tried to brush it aside, things keep coming up that remind me of these people.
Maybe the reason it is weighing so heavy is because I have come to realize my part in the friendship ending. I am very much aware that in a disagreement such as these were, that it takes two to tango and that I can only own my part of what happened. But I am having the most difficult time trying to swallow my pride in order to contact these people and sort out what happened and sincerely apologize for my part in hurting the other person.
The other issue is this, what if I reach out and apologize for my part and then my olive branch is unreceived? What do I do with that? I continue to think and pray about this, because I feel it is something I need to attend to, but I am honestly scared of what the reaction would be.
Peace
~Melinda
Maybe the reason it is weighing so heavy is because I have come to realize my part in the friendship ending. I am very much aware that in a disagreement such as these were, that it takes two to tango and that I can only own my part of what happened. But I am having the most difficult time trying to swallow my pride in order to contact these people and sort out what happened and sincerely apologize for my part in hurting the other person.
The other issue is this, what if I reach out and apologize for my part and then my olive branch is unreceived? What do I do with that? I continue to think and pray about this, because I feel it is something I need to attend to, but I am honestly scared of what the reaction would be.
Peace
~Melinda
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