I have been watching Portia de Rossi speak about her journey with her weight, health, self-image and her sexuality. Listening to her read portions of her book make my heart break. I look at this incredibly beautiful, smart successful woman who says the same thing inside of her head that I say in mine! Her battle with herself is absolutely no different that mine!
She tells a story about how she was trying on suits to be the new Loreal face and when she realized she was a size 8, she was devastated. This last year I know that I have gained back some weight that I worked so hard to lose and I hate myself for it. I saw a picture of myself from this weekend with my beautiful little girl and I sat for 30 mins last night comparing it to a picture taken of she and I last Christmas and I could tell there was a difference in my face. What am I doing???
I have two friends in particular who have gone through life shattering situations, things that could absolutely break a person. But these two women haven't! And I know they have both had moments that were deep and dark when they didn't think they would see the end of this struggle, but they did! I sit in awe of these two women and wonder where that strength came from and how can I tap into that?
Tears are running down my face faster than I can stop them. Hopefully I won't electrocute myself from shorting out my laptop! I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE! I have plans! I have things I desperately want to do, but I know I can't like this, which just brings on more fear and more tears. I am absolutely paralyzed by this fear right now.
I am not saying I have not had to struggle and fight for things, but I think this part is so much harder than everything else I have ever done.
I look at Portia in awe, she made it through. My dear friends have made it through and I thank God everyday that they are where they are in their lives. But why can't I get there? Why? I feel like a failure to myself, my family, my friends, to the point of this blog. I honestly don't know what I thought I was doing when I set out to do this... I thought maybe I could help someone. I thought maybe I could force myself out of this.
So where do I go from here.....?
3 comments:
Melinda, one thing I know for certain is that you were "fearfully and wonderfully made". God loves you more than you can fathom. You already know this, though :). The journey that we're all taking can be filled with fear...In my experience, in the times that I have finally released my burden to the One who loves me so much, I find that the way is somehow more illuminated. Putting yourself out here will allow others in on your journey so they can help you, love you, pray for you, and support you. You are a brave and beautiful woman and you are filled with courage! You are on my prayer list, my friend. Thank you for being vulnerable. You are an encouragement to me!
Thank you so much Susan, I so needed to hear that. I don't know what I would do without my friends near and far. This is a tough walk, really tough. It's so complicated too, because it really isn't just about me anymore! I have two children and a husband who need me to be healthy for them. I also don't want my daughter to growup and be embarassed by her Mom. I guess this is the time I dig deep and find the inner strength God has already given me.
Don't be too hard on yourself Melinda. Who you are as a person, a mother, a wife, is SO much more than a number on a scale or the size marked on a piece of clothing. Don't let your weight define you. It is just a number on a scale, and you are so much more than that.
I have battled weight my entire adult life. I have lost weight and gained it all back (plus some) more times than I can count. Sometimes I find the inner strength and drive to lose the weight and keep it off. Sometimes that inner strength is diverted elsewhere.
You have the inner strength. Maybe right now its just focusing on other things. Just keep pushing forward and go easy on yourself.
And if there's anything I can do to help, I would love to do so.
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