Falling and failing...

ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!  I am so frustrated with myself!  I wanted to be so faithful to this blog and my followers and to this process, but I feel I am completely failing at all of it!  I was talking to a good friend of mine this morning, we both have the same mindset about commitment and the precious time we have.  I commented to her that lately I had been hanging back before committing to something, because it seems I have been saying 'yes' to something and then not following through and I can't stand that!!!!  It is a very annoying quality in others and I really don't like doing that in my life.  So when I commit, I COM-MIT!  which is why my lack of blogging and caring for myself has once again slid right to the back.

And when I say back, I don't mean back burner, I mean literally to my back!  I generally carry my stress in my shoulders and my neck and it seems to have crept back in and landed me in urgent care with my neck and arms in some sort of pretzel looking stance.  So back to PT I head and back to feeling sorry for myself, which leads to my non-committal self.....

I have to make some steps forward, for myself and for my family.  Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of my husband's heart attack and it just stunned me that it feels like in five years we haven't made any changes to our lives!  And that scares the sh!t out of me!  My husband almost DIED and yet what have I done to change anything?  My best friend's husband DIED because of a weight-related issue and what have I done?  I am tired of falling and tired of failing.  So for today, I may crawl in a corner and ponder what to do next.... But tomorrow I need to make the commitment to change a sincere commitment.   Tomorrow I will be hoping and changing.

Peace~
Melinda

Shutting Down

Wow, that was a bit of an absence, wasn't it? I am currently recouping from what seems like the bubonic plague that took over our house for the last week. But I think I am on the mend and will survive.

It isn't amazing how many ideas present themselves when you begin a project? I have created a file with blog ideas and it seems I also never run out of opinions either…. But that coupled with all the activities I am involved in not to mention work and now school, it seems my brain just will not shut off! Thank God for the plague descending on Castle Howard this weekend, otherwise I probably wouldn't have even tried to relax.

I haven't seen the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" yet, but I have seen the scene where Julia Roberts' character tries to meditate. She talks nonstop to herself and is bothered by a bug and realizes after a few minutes how difficult shutting her mind off is. I will admit that I like being busy, I like being involved- I really do think that it has kept me sane (as strange as that sounds). I feel that even more these days when there is a constant bombardment of information. And I have been teased that my blackberry has been surgically attached to my brain. Even when I am not being distracted by all of these outer pieces, why it is SO hard for me just to do nothing? I don't think the 30 seconds after I turn the light out and before I fall asleep at night counts. Can anyone relate?

I would love to say I am a calm person and can separate myself from my activities or family and just relax, but it seems I have a hard time doing any part of that. But I really would like to know why? Is it because I really am that busy? Possibly. Bad at time management? No, I don't think so. Or is there some deeper reason I am avoiding? I honestly do not know. But I would like to find that spot where calm and peace lies, at least for a few minutes each day.

Here's hoping you have found your spot of peace today!

Peace~
Melinda