I have been watching Portia de Rossi speak about her journey with her weight, health, self-image and her sexuality. Listening to her read portions of her book make my heart break. I look at this incredibly beautiful, smart successful woman who says the same thing inside of her head that I say in mine! Her battle with herself is absolutely no different that mine!
She tells a story about how she was trying on suits to be the new Loreal face and when she realized she was a size 8, she was devastated. This last year I know that I have gained back some weight that I worked so hard to lose and I hate myself for it. I saw a picture of myself from this weekend with my beautiful little girl and I sat for 30 mins last night comparing it to a picture taken of she and I last Christmas and I could tell there was a difference in my face. What am I doing???
I have two friends in particular who have gone through life shattering situations, things that could absolutely break a person. But these two women haven't! And I know they have both had moments that were deep and dark when they didn't think they would see the end of this struggle, but they did! I sit in awe of these two women and wonder where that strength came from and how can I tap into that?
Tears are running down my face faster than I can stop them. Hopefully I won't electrocute myself from shorting out my laptop! I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE! I have plans! I have things I desperately want to do, but I know I can't like this, which just brings on more fear and more tears. I am absolutely paralyzed by this fear right now.
I am not saying I have not had to struggle and fight for things, but I think this part is so much harder than everything else I have ever done.
I look at Portia in awe, she made it through. My dear friends have made it through and I thank God everyday that they are where they are in their lives. But why can't I get there? Why? I feel like a failure to myself, my family, my friends, to the point of this blog. I honestly don't know what I thought I was doing when I set out to do this... I thought maybe I could help someone. I thought maybe I could force myself out of this.
So where do I go from here.....?
