So maybe change isn't that bad?

I always have grand plans of writing and posting a couple times a week.  Well that clearly hasn't happened, has it?  But I do have a very great reason why I have been so preoccupied (other than the normal messy children, dogs need food and constant laundry reason).  I cannot reveal that reason just yet....but it's pretty awesome!

Anyway, my last post was about the mysterious 6lbs that had attached itself to me, there was no true explanation as to why that happened (and you really don't want to hear my doctor's reason- ick), it just did.  But the following week I lost the exact same amount, thank God and then this past week I lost 4lbs and now I am up to 17 total lost!  I am elated to say the least!

 But more than just the weight loss, I am noticing things are becoming habits to me now.  Instead of having rice or pasta as a side, my kids are happily pulling out containers of cut-up watermelon, pineapple, strawberries and grapes. My hubby is also on the plan and we are both making these changes habits.  I have always been a salt and carb loving person and now I am not really even craving these items.  I'm not saying I never will, but for now I am loving all of the fresh fruit and veggies summer is providing us.

The changes I am having a harder time with are the physical ones.  As in physically getting up and moving.  But I am working on it.  I had two surgeries late last year and one earlier this year and the recovery has not been easy- at all.  So at this point I have healed for the most part, there is still some tenderness and I am dealing with some weird "phantom" pain.  But I think it is mostly just a mental block.  It took SO long for my body to heal from the trauma and damage that was done to it and I'm trying to move past that part.  My doctor has cleared me for certain physical activity and I am anxious to get started, but the fear is still there....

So I continue to move through all of these new changes in my life and pray that God gives me the courage and the motivation to just keep moving in this healthy direction.  Not all of these changes are easy ones for me and the circumstances of this last year have created a lot of upheaval in many parts of my life.  But I continue to move forward and accept theses changes.

I found a quote from Joel Osteen that I really love and feel that it applies perfectly to what has happened to me and what WILL happen next.

"When you go through a loss, a disappointment or a bad break, don't expect to come out the same.  Expect to come out better off than you were before."

I'm not the same person I was two years ago, no one is.  We all change and grow through the circumstances we encounter.  The choice we are all given is how we choose to react to these difficult times.  Are we going to close in and refuse to let the world in or are we going to walk out into the sunshine and choose the positive, healthy path God has laid out for us?

Peace~
Melinda

Disturbance in the force....

It appears I have hit one of those bumps in the road we often run into.  Right now mine feels like a 12ft brick wall, but you get the idea.  We dropped our son off at Boy Scout camp on Sunday and he will be there until Saturday.  He has never been away from home this long without us and it has been ROUGH!  He called Monday morning and I didn't recognize the number so I hit the big red "decline" button.  Big mistake.  When I checked the voicemail, I heard my sweet child sobbing and begging me to call me back.  It was brutal. I desperately tried to call back right away, but it was a pay phone and I kept getting a busy signal.  So I spent Monday crying and experiencing the worst Mom guilt ever known to motherhood.  But he hasn't called back, so I'm sure he is fine, but my heart still aches.  I never knew you could miss someone so much.

This is really a time of flux and change in our family and I'm not big on change.  I know the whole "theory" about the only constant in life is change- but I am not a fan.  Today my little baby girl went to Vacation Bible School for the first time.  She has been waiting to go since she could talk and voice her displeasure that her brother got to go, but she didn't.  So it's been a week of growing up and changing for my kids and a week of tears and pleading with God for more time with them for me. And it is only Tuesday....

Tuesday is my weigh-in and meeting day and it seems my streak continued.  I managed to gain 6 lbs in one week!  How exactly does one manage to do that?  I had never been an emotional eater, in fact in the past if I was upset I would just stop eating.  So I am trying to be more aware of my emotional eating, but I am still trying to absorb (no pun intended) how exactly I put on 6 freaking pounds??  That is basically one pound a day!

But I am taking a deep breath and realizing that tomorrow is a new day.  I don't know what caused ALL of those six pounds to jump back on my hiney and all I can do is recommit to myself.  Recommit to the things I know work for me, tracking the food I eat, the activity I do and know that God is walking next to me on the journey.  And I need to remember that He loves my son more than I ever could and when I can't put my arms around him and tell him he is going to be ok, Jesus is sitting right next to him up the beautiful Colorado Rocky Mountains and filling his heart with peace and keeping him safe.

But don't get me wrong, come Saturday morning I will be racing up to the camp to pick up my boy and by that night all will be right in Castle Howard.

Peace~
Melinda

I'm baaaacckk....!

So I took a hiatus...yes a long one.  The last 18 months of my life have been less than fun.  I started to write about all the fun medical procedures I have been through, but does anybody really want to rehash that? I certainly don't.  It sucked, I had three surgeries within a 4 month span, spent months in pain and now I am making my way back.  I joined Weight Watchers back in April, it is a plan that has always worked for me and it continues to work for me.  But this time, it is not about vanity. Now I am not saying I am not dying to be able to walk into any store and pick out a pair of skinny jeans and a seriously cute pair of boots and marvel at myself in a three way mirror, because I am!  But this past 18 months showed me more than anything that, I am, in fact, actually mortal.  I will die one day!  I just don't  want it to be today.  I have an 11 year old son and 4 year old daughter and I am turning 40 in exactly 49 days (that is a blog for another day!) and I don't want to live in this body anymore.  I want to be strong and healthy.  I don't want to be the 24 year old, 5'9", 140lb version of me- don't get me wrong, she was damn cute.  I want to be the healthy 40 year old version of me.  So anyway, that is that.  

So far I have lost 14 lbs and 8 1/2 inches.  I can feel how different this time around is for me.  I am in this for the long haul, I am committed more that I ever have been.  I find myself looking forward to learning more about how the body works and how I can improve how mine works.  I have never been one that likes getting sweaty and hot and dirty- ask anyone who knows me, I will avoid dirt and heat at all costs.  But I now find myself looking for challenges, they are small ones right now, but it is a start.  I see inspiration all around me.  I have an amazing friend who has survived cancer twice and has now recreated a healthy life for herself and she just doesn't quit.  I have other friends who run marathons regularly, lift weights just to improve how strong they physically are and continually push themselves everyday physically.  I honestly think God has placed these women all around me on purpose- there is NO escaping them!  They are everyday reminders of what I hope to achieve and have been my constant supporters, I am so grateful for them.

So I'm back.  Can't say I will be perfect at this journey, no one ever is.  But I am giving it my all and I am slowly working my way back to being healthy and to figuring out who I am and what my health journey is.  And it won't look like anyone else's...cause God only made one Melinda and she isn't a quitter- so watch out world!

Peace~
Melinda

It isn't just me....

I have been watching Portia de Rossi speak about her journey with her weight, health, self-image and her sexuality.  Listening to her read portions of her book make my heart break.  I look at this incredibly beautiful, smart successful woman who says the same thing inside of her head that I say in mine!  Her battle with herself is absolutely no different that mine! 

She tells a story about how she was trying on suits to be the new Loreal face and when she realized she was a size 8, she was devastated.  This last year I know that I have gained back some weight that I worked so hard to lose and I hate myself for it.  I saw a picture of myself from this weekend with my beautiful little girl and I sat for 30 mins last night comparing it to a picture taken of she and I last Christmas and I could tell there was a difference in my face.  What am I doing??? 

I have two friends in particular who have gone through life shattering situations, things that could absolutely break a person.  But these two women haven't!  And I know they have both had moments that were deep and dark when they didn't think they would see the end of this struggle, but they did!  I sit in awe of these two women and wonder where that strength came from and how can I tap into that? 

Tears are running down my face faster than I can stop them.  Hopefully I won't electrocute myself from shorting out my laptop!  I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE!  I have plans!  I have things I desperately want to do, but I know I can't like this, which just brings on more fear and more tears.  I am absolutely paralyzed by this fear right now.

I am not saying I have not had to struggle and fight for things, but I think this part is so much harder than everything else I have ever done. 

I look at Portia in awe, she made it through.  My dear friends have made it through and I thank God everyday that they are where they are in their lives.  But why can't I get there?  Why?  I feel like a failure to myself, my family, my friends, to the point of this blog.  I honestly don't know what I thought I was doing when I set out to do this...  I thought maybe I could help someone.  I thought maybe I could force myself out of this. 

So where do I go from here.....?

Ready to make nice?

I am strong believer that God brings things to your heart or mind when you are ready to receive them.  Some people may look at that as Him nudging you in that direction, for me it usually takes a 2x4 over the head!  I have some situations with two people I had been friends with in the past and I/we ended our friendship abruptly for one reason or another.  But in the past few days the way these relationships ended is really weighing on my heart and as much as I have tried to brush it aside, things keep coming up that remind me of these people. 

Maybe the reason it is weighing so heavy is because I have come to realize my part in the friendship ending.  I am very much aware that in a disagreement such as these were, that it takes two to tango and that I can only own my part of what happened.  But I am having the most difficult time trying to swallow my pride in order to contact these people and sort out what happened and sincerely apologize for my part in hurting the other person. 

The other issue is this, what if I reach out and apologize for my part and then my olive branch is unreceived?  What do I do with that?  I continue to think and pray about this, because I feel it is something I need to attend to, but I am honestly scared of what the reaction would be.

Peace
~Melinda

How do you get over the "supposed to be's"?

I struggle a lot with how things are "supposed to be", I think all of us do.  And maybe some people handle it better than others, I am a major type A personality so "It's not fair" has been ingrained into my psyche forever.  I think people who know me well know that I have a bleeding heart for just about everyone in need and not much compassion for those in power to help those in need who turn a blind eye or for those who feel they have a right to sit in judgement of others.  But it is a constant inner struggle and argument with God about how things are "supposed to be" and why they aren't.

I have yet to learn what I know many people whose faith astounds me have learned, that God will and does take care of things in his time.  I somehow feel He needs my help to speed things along, yeah I am sure the creator of the universe needs MY help! 

I can only speak for my reality and what I know on a daily basis, but lately I have been having such an incredibly hard time with the journey I am choosing to be on (and quite often falling off that path) and where everyone else is in life.  I live quite near the area I grew up in and actually not far from the high school I went to, in fact if we don't move from this neighborhood my children will go to the same high school I went to (not thrilled with that...).  But some good friends and I affectionately and not so affectionately refer to this area as "the bubble", because it feels to us that many (although not all!) people who have chosen to live here act like they live in this special world where nothing bad can penetrate and that we can all put blinders on to the reality of the rest of the world. 

Which brings me back to my struggle of how things are "supposed to be".  I was thinking about how our house needs some work done on it and how it will not get done right now due to money and that frustrates me because I would hate for people in our neighborhood or visitors to judge the outside of my house or even some aspects of the inside as not being perfect enough.  Our house is supposed to be painted, we are supposed to have a new front door, we are supposed to have two cars instead of one, I am supposed to have a perfectly manicured yard and beautiful swing set for my children to play on, I am supposed to be working out an hour everyday and eating only carrots and water for meals so I look like the perfect model of a bubble mother/wife.

It's the comparing that I get into that I really should stop most of all.  It is SO damaging to my soul and spirit.  I am just living this life that God gave me with this family in the house at this time in my life.  I need to stop and remember that the only thing I am supposed to be doing is loving Him, my neighbor and helping my fellow womankind on this earth.  I think if we all took a glimpse inside someone else's world for a bit during a not-so-good time we'd not only give the other person a break, but also give ourselves that much needed break as well. 

I pray that you would be as kind to yourself and a stranger today that might be struggling as you would to your dearest friend who needed some help and love today.

Peace Always
~Melinda

Heart breaks..

Part of being healthy is being a healthy Mom.  But being a parent has been the hardest and most wonderful thing I have ever done.  Right now, I am watching a talk show about bullying, it's mainly about the 4 teenagers who have committed suicide recently for being bullied and teased for being gay.  This has been a subject that hits home right now.  My 9 year old son was bullied a few weeks ago, not because of a sexual orientation issue, but because of an misunderstanding on the playground.  My son was followed into a bathroom, trapped and punched by another 3rd grader!  Fortunately, he told his teacher immediately and the offender was dealt with extremely harshly and I am grateful for that. 

The hardest thing as a Mom is to know that you can only protect your child so far.  And that is terrifying.  My son was diagnosed with Autism at 3 and he has been in therapies since 2, I have so much time and love and heartache invested in this person that I cannot fathom anyone not wanting to love him instantly.  I doubt I feel any different about my children than anyone else does about their children. 

We have had so many conversations recently about keeping himself safe, etc.  I have never wanted to be a helicopter parent, but what else is there?  How else can I protect my child when he is away from me for 7 hours a day?

I could not imagine how much pain the parents and family members of the children who have ended their lives must be in.  They are in my heart and in my prayers.  Let's teach and model kindness and compassion, not hate and fear.  Let's model love and acceptance towards others as parents, your kids are watching....very closely.

Peace to all of us...
~Melinda